Tabloid Seers Predict Monstrous Events!

Posted: January 02, 1986

Go back to bed, folks. Pull up the covers and stay put for the rest of 1986. It's going to be a bad year.

The Soviets have detected heartbeats inside real dinosaur eggs found frozen in Siberia, and they're trying to raise the eggs into full-size monsters! And there's a girl in Africa who's able to start fires and make things explode just by pointing her finger!

Imagine if the Russkies get their hands on her. By year's end she could be leading a battalion of tyrannosaurus rexes into battle, and Western civilization might soon be a memory.

It's true. It says so right here in the Sun, one of those weekly tabloids you see at the checkout counters. But maybe - just maybe - the ghost of Rock Hudson will be able to reason with the dinosaurs. Yes, Rock's ghost will be walking the land this year, comforting AIDS patients, according to the National Enquirer, which reports that his spirit "will appear to be vigorous and healthy."

It's that time again when the supermarket tabloids uncork their "top" psychics to predict highlights of the new year. The prediction issues "are big sellers," according to Fred Ward, marketing director for the Star, which sells most of its 3.4 million copies each week in supermarkets. "Everybody's interested in them, and whether they take them seriously or not, they read them."

Not take them seriously, Mr. Ward? Not take seriously such dire predictions as these, courtesy of the National Enquirer's team of 10 "leading" psychics:

* "Killer quakes" are going to kill hundreds in San Francisco.

* Scientists are going to knock a UFO out of the sky with a laser beam, and the Air Force will whisk it away (presumably for use in our war with the Soviet dinosaurs).

* One Enquirer psychic says that Nancy Reagan is going to adopt a drug addict, but if the young addict thinks he's going to get the Lincoln Room at the White House, forget it. Another Enquirer psychic says that ill health will force the Prez to retire this year, and turn the reins of power over to George Bush.

* Princess Margaret will be kidnapped, actress Stefanie Powers will disappear with amnesia during an African safari, and Bill Cosby will be lost in the Atlantic for three days after his sailboat sinks in a storm.

Maybe Cosby will drift into Miami Vice star Don Johnson, who the Globe says will disappear while sailing in the Bermuda Triangle. Johnson will reveal that he was abducted by aliens, and urge the government to study UFOs.

Perhaps the Cosby and Johnson mishaps will occur while they are en route to the Mediterranean. But could you blame them for going? They'll probably be looking for that new volcano that's going to rise up from the sea and "spew out huge diamonds weighing up to six pounds apiece."

* A would-be assassin will shoot at the Pope, but the crucifix he wears will "miraculously" deflect the bullet. The Ayatollah Khomeini won't be so lucky, however. He will be assassinated.

Not all the news will be grim. African famine will be relieved when shuttle astronauts "locate underground rivers beneath barren deserts," according to famed psychic Jeane Dixon in the Star. (Perhaps Don Johnson

himself will find the underground rivers - he's due to fly in the shuttle this year, according to the Enquirer, so it looks like a busy year for Don.)

And doctors will discover that "a fungus found in coal mines can cure lung cancer," according to the Enquirer.

It looks like wedding bells for Caroline Kennedy, according to Dixon, who thinks the last day in June will be a good day. And let's hope Caroline's brother, John, can get away from his busy moviemaking schedule to make it to the wedding. Dixon says John "will have great success" if he accepts a film role this year.

"Water and automobiles will be dangerous for Tom Selleck," says Dixon. ''I see a loss of valuable property sinking under waves of water." But psychic Frederick Davies in the Globe doesn't see anything quite so dismal for "heartthrob" Selleck, who will "burn up the screen in a sizzling remake of the classic novel Jane Eyre. . . ."

Alas, there's the problem. How can we really be sure that Rock's ghost will walk among us, and that volcanoes will shoot diamonds, when there's this teensy-beensy, umm, credibility problem? It's no big deal, of course, but the fact is that some of the psychics just don't agree. Consider:

* The tabloids all agree that Larry Hagman will have to leave the set of Dallas this year, but while the Globe and the Star say that it will be due to exhaustion or a mysterious collapse, the Enquirer says he's going to quarrel with a producer and have a "real-life slugfest on the set."

* And hey! Are Burt and Loni going to get married or what? Yes, says the

Globe. Not likely, says the Star. Oh yes, they are, says the Enquirer, and they're going to have a baby boy.

* Will Michael Jackson play Peter Pan and open a theme park for children, as the Globe says? Or will he be the target of a murder attempt, as predicted by the Enquirer?

* Is Cosby going to win that huge wager and open a gambling casino (as the

Globe would have it) before or after his boat sinks in the Caribbean?

* If Rock Hudson's ghost is going to visit AIDS patients, will that be before or after the whole country is injected with the new AIDS vaccine that the Enquirer predicts will be "administered to everyone nationwide"? And does that mean that Rock's grumpy ghost will quit tipping over the sets of Dynasty? The Sun says that the late Rock is miffed at the way the Dynasty cast took the news of his illness.

"Well, enough about all those television and film stars," you may say. ''What about me? What's a good day for me to have my teeth drilled? When shall I pour cement?" Well, we're glad you asked, because psychic Katherine Singer of West Covina, Calif., has the answers, and they're in the Globe.

With the aid of computers "for greater accuracy," Singer, 62, has developed "life guides" for all major activities in 1986, based on movements of the moon and the planets. And unlike most astrologers, she doesn't need your birthdate to tell you that "teeth filled on the 11th, 18th, the afternoon of the 25th, the 26th or the 27th will stay healthy."

Have hair cut on the 2d, 3d, 4th, 18th, 19th or 26th, she advises. And pour cement or paint on the 11th, 12th, 18th or 19th "for best results."

And listen, you may be glad you got your cement foundations in tiptop shape. By the year 2000, says Timothy Green Beckley, author of Psychic & UFO Revelations in the Last Days, "the planet could tip over on its axis and go spinning out of orbit." If that happens, your new garage could be a mess if you don't pour your foundation on the right day.

On the other hand, "scientists, psychics, clergy and UFO contactees unanimously agree that time is running out on civilization," Beckley warns in a full-page advertisement in the Weekly World News. We may be destroyed ''when another planet or a 'dark star' crashes into our world," he says, or we may be invaded from outer space.

Not even Soviet dinosaurs or African fire girls will be able to protect us then. Only one man, one force, will save us.

Rock? Are you listening?

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