Best Picture - "Whitewater!" the action-adventure epic starring the husband-and-wife team of Bill and Hillary Clinton as a couple who try and shoot the infamous Washington rapids in a canoe, but tip over and hit their heads on a rock.
Best Portrayal of a Rock - Jim Leach.
Best Performance in a Non-Supporting Role - Sen. Bob Dole for his work as the vampire in the horror film "Watergate II: The Revenge Begins."
Best Achievement in Martial Arts by an Ice Skater - Tonya Harding, for her starring role in the classic whodunit "Triple Klutz."
Best Portrayal of a Knucklehead - Bobby Knight, as the shin-kicking, head- butting, crowd-baiting educator in the screwball comedy "Pride of the Hoosiers."
Best Performance by a Billionaire with a Bad Haircut - Ross Perot, for his role as the auctioneer in the science fiction thriller "The Next Sucking Sound You Hear . . . "
Best Achievement in Sound - To Al Gore for shutting up Perot.
Best Performance in a Multiple Role - To Rush Limbaugh for his brilliant, simultaneous portrayals of the Scarecrow, the Tin Man and the Cowardly Lion, creatures without a head, a heart or courage, respectively, in the musical ''Wizard of Scuzz."
Best Achievement in Special Effects - To Michael Gartner, former chief of ''NBC News," who, in his docudrama "Fired!" showed that a GM truck can blow up in a crash, provided you put an incendiary device near its gas tank.
Best Achievement in a Documentary Short - To Lorena Bobbitt for her work in ''Beyond Safe Sex."
Best Actress - Hillary Clinton for her heart-rending portrayal of the corporate lawyer who yearns for privacy in the remake of the Greta Garbo classic "I Vant to be Alone and Powerful and Rich."
Best Original Screenplay - To Aldrich Ames for his script of the hilarious comedy "Naked Gun: the CIA Version."
Best Performance in a Cross-Dressing Role - To Alfonse D'Amato for his impersonation of an ethical senator in the political drama "Gotcha!"
I woke up about then. Tom Hanks was delivering his eloquent and moving speech in acceptance of the best actor award for the AIDS drama, ''Philadelphia." Then Spielberg took everything else.
Well, why not? Steven Spielberg owns the world. In a single year, he made the most successful film of all time, "Jurassic Park," and one of the best- reviewed, "Schindler's List." It's as though Robert Waller had followed ''The Bridges of Madison County" with "War and Peace."
Oddly enough, it is Spielberg who holds an option on the screen rights to ''Bridges." How he scales back to a lyric romance after pumping out those other two blockbusters is beyond me, but if anyone can do it, he can.
I thought the awards, which are one of those unifying experiences that bind us together as a nation - like the Super Bowl and the flu - were pretty tame this year, what I saw of them.
No one made a particular fool of him or herself. There were moments when it even achieved class, an Oscar first.
Which made it kind of dull, though. It is, after all, an exercise in self- congratulation and it can get cloying at times. I like it better when somebody makes a protest or does pushups.
If my fantasy awards had been for real, Al D'Amato would have done something startling. Tell the truth, maybe.
