So it's Sunday night and I'm trying to find an Eagles score on the tube when I hear possibly the worst news a guy could hear under any circumstances, but especially those circumstances under which, having just consumed, oh, about two dozen different brews at a local beer festival, that fella has assumed a face-down position on the couch of his choice.
Stay tuned, the TV says, for an exclusive report: THE SHOCKING TRUTH ABOUT MICROBREWED BEER!
What is it this time? Cancer? Botulism? Gout?
``Ohmygod, I've poisoned myself,'' I moan.
``No kidding,'' says an unsympathetic voice in the kitchen.
``Really - Stone Phillips says so. That microbrewed stuff is demon swill . . .''
Now, I'm not sure if I got it straight, but according to this exclusive investigative report by ``Dateline NBC,'' it turns out that microbrewed beers aren't really made by singing elves. Some of these so-called hand-crafted beers are made, surprise, in huge factories owned by large corporations.
The practice, called contract brewing, is a dirty little secret that's been plaguing the microbrew industry since the early '80s, when New Amsterdam Brewing Co. of New York City figured out it was cheaper to let F.X. Matt of upstate New York brew its lager. Nobody much cared about contract brewing until supposed micros like Boston Beer Co. (maker of Samuel Adams) and Pete's Brewing Co. of California started brewing beer by the truckful at factories in Pittsburgh and Allentown - the same places that turn out dreck like Iron City and Stroh's.
I always thought it was a bit of a game. Slick Madison Avenue types come up with cute labels that profess adherence to 600-year-old brewing techniques that use all-natural ingredients, and then in small print admit the beer was actually made in Wilkes-Barre, which I believe is the Official Armpit of Pennsylvania.
But at least one TV news show, and many people in the industry, see it as a scandal.
``It's a little unfair,'' says Gene Muller, who last week opened the area's newest brewery, Flying Fish in Cherry Hill. ``They've got the marketing muscle that we're never going to have . . . I think it's dishonest . . . The other things is, if you contract, you don't have the brewery. We've got real brewers here. A contract brewer is just a guy in a suit with a case of beer.''
