Which should you attend? It's a tough call. . .
White House: Sex-crazed commander-in-chief
Playboy Mansion: Sex-crazed editor-in-chief
WH: Hillary, Tipper, Elizabeth Taylor
PM: Miss August, Miss April. . .
Spot for romantic interlude
WH: The Oval Office
PM: The Grotto
WH: Lucianne Goldberg
PM: Gloria Steinem
Not on the guest list
WH: Monica Lewinsky
PM: Larry Flynt
WH: Black tie
PM: Black lingerie
WH: Donating soft money
PM: Getting naked
It's time to leave when. . .
WH: Maya Angelou reads her poetry
PM: Hef takes off his jammies
Hats off to the makers of LifeStyles condoms for shamelessly cashing in on the millennium. The company has a new line of Millennium 2000 prophylactics - "the product for people who plan to start the new millennium with a bang."
"Recent surveys indicate that more than half of the world's young people plan for their new millennium celebrations to include sex," said the condom-maker's Carol Carrozza.
"What better way to follow champagne and fireworks than with the new LifeStyles?"
With just a handful of days till the Y2K bug breaks loose, government officials across the country are exhibiting a distinct lack of guts.
In Washington, the president's Y2K czar gave a blithering performance last week when he fretted that hackers would test the nation's computers over the hectic New Year's weekend.
In a plea for mercy, John Koskinen asked pierced-nose anarchist lawbreakers to please, please delay committing any felonies. If you're going to illegally break into any computers, he whined, wait until later in the month.
Meanwhile in Boston, officials have given up any pretense of remaining calm.
As the rest of us are dodging falling airplanes while standing in line at broken ATMs, city emergency officials will be 40 feet underground in a bomb-proof bunker.
"We could close the doors and 300 people could survive here for 30 days," one official boasted to the Boston Globe.
Contrary to a recent e-mail rumor, Elf Bowling - one of the more popular office computer games - does not contain a virus.
According to an alarming e-mail that's been making the rounds, the program is actually a time bomb, waiting to go off on Christmas Eve.
"I heard that it totally wipes out your hard drive, and everything on your computer," the missive reads. "GET RID OF IT IF IT IS ON YOUR COMPUTER!!!"
The Symantec AntiVirus Research Center (www.sarc.com) says the whole thing is a hoax.
The rumor was probably started by a humorless office manager, peeved at the drones fooling around with the very funny game. If you haven't knocked over any elves yet, download the game at www.nstorm.com.
YO!2K is a weekly look at the whirl of anticipation, dread and curiosity of the next millennium. Contact us at firstname.lastname@example.org