Trinity: It's the question, Neo. It's the question that drives us. It's the question that brought you here. You know the question, just as I did.
Neo: What is the Matrix?
Trinity: The answer is out there, Neo, and it's looking for you, and it will find you if you want it to.
Yeah, right, the answer is out there. But so are the questions.
It's been four years since The Matrix, the Wachowski Brothers' super-great cyberdelic mind trip, presented us with the cosmic conundrum.
And after 135 ponderous minutes of The Matrix Reloaded - the $127 million sequel in which the last enclave of free-minded Earthlings is threatened by a massive invasion of Sentinels, and Neo, the One, the Keanu, spins, swoops, flies, stops bullets and dispatches swarms of Agent Smith clones in a Hong Kong ballet of martial arts mayhem - the questions are still driving us . . . well, driving us batty.
Like, does Neo have underwear on beneath those priestly raiments?
Like, how come all Neo's hacker pals have enough water to wash their faces, but not enough to do their laundry?
Like, it's a firestorm of bullets out there, yet there's hardly ever any blood. Neo gets a scratch on his hand, or something. (Hey, whoa, is that a Christ allusion?)
Like, is a one-minute preview of November's The Matrix Revolutions worth sitting through nine freakin' minutes of credits? Does anybody want to know the name of Jada Pinkett Smith's Australian driver?
Like, does the Keymaker know Ghostbusters' Gatekeeper?
Like, if reality is just a computer program, what did the software writers get for that Ducati motorcycle product placement?
Like, what if they plug the cable into the wrong port on Keanu's body? Will he be transported into Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure?
Like, did everybody at Zion's big Cecil B. DeMille cave rave get stuck paying the $10 Ticketmaster convenience fee?
Like, does Hugo Weaving get paid extra every time another Agent Smith shows up?
Like, what if the hijacked bus in Speed was on the same freeway that Trinity is gunning her motorbike along in that 15-freakin'-minute chase scene? Would Carrie-Anne Moss stop to chat with Keanu? And what would Sandra Bullock have to say?
Like, has anybody ever seen Trinity and k.d. lang together at the same time?
Like, Neo is the One, we get it. But One spelled backward is Eno. What does that make the really cool ambient-music pioneer and producer of Bowie and the Talking Heads?
Like, was it really necessary for the Oracle's protector to fight Neo for five freakin' minutes to establish his identity? Couldn't he have just asked for his driver's license?
Like, how exactly does it work that there's a city, Zion, that exists miles below the surface of the Earth? Where does the oxygen come from? And why do you need a spaceship to get there? Isn't there an elevator?
Like, did Anthony Zerbe's Councillor Hamann get voted off the Jedi Council or something? He makes Mace Windu's line readings sound like Shakespeare.
Like, at the confluence of love and truth, faith and knowledge, purpose and reason, Neo must follow the course he has chosen, right? "What if I can't," he asks. "What if I fail?"
Like, do I care, dude?
Contact movie critic Steven Rea at 215-854-5629 or srea@phillynews.com.
