EVERYBODY HAS a favorite bartender. I won't name mine, but the other day while waiting for one to refill my pint, I came up with this list of 20 fictional bartenders I wish would pour me a beer. Read on, and let me know your favorite.
1. "Moe" Szyslak ("The Simpsons"). "Homer, lighten up!
You're making happy hour bitterly ironic." Yes, the reg'lars drink Duff, but tell me you wouldn't want to try a Flaming Moe made by the master himself.
2. Coach Ernie Pantusso ("Cheers"). Call Coach (Nicholas Colasanto) dumb, but only a complete professional could serve an insufferable twerp like Frazier Crane without dumping a mug over his head.
3. Kitty Russell ("Gunsmoke"). Miss Kitty (Amanda Blake) was the ultimate tease. She poured drinks for 20 years at Dodge City's Long Branch Saloon and never once offered Sheriff Matt Dillon a quickie upstairs in her bordello.
4. Joe the Bartender ("The Jackie Gleason Show"). Before he was Ralph Kramden, Gleason served up whiskey and wit each week to the home audience and, later, to Crazy Guggenheim. How sweet he was!
5. Phil ("Murphy Brown"). You always got the sense that Phil (Pat Corley) knew more about D.C. than Murphy herself. No wonder he faked his death and entered the federal witness-protection program.
6. Sascha ("Casablanca"). In a film filled with classic characters, this "crazy Russian" bartender (Leonid Kinskey) pours a mean Champagne cocktail and rattles off a couple of pithy lines. When a beautiful customer complains that Rick has cut off her drinks, Sascha tells her, "Yvonne, I love you. But he pays me."
7. Marion Ravenwood ("Raiders of the Lost Ark"). The owner of the Raven (Karen Allen) can drink Mongols under the table, throw a right hook, mix it up with Nazis and still look pretty decent in a silk nightie.
8. Jackie ("Andy Capp"). It's hard to understand how Andy, the brawling, pip-squeak English rugby fan, ever got that red nose, considering how often his barman cut him off.
9. Mr. Dooley (Chicago Post). The creation of newspaperman Finley Peter Dunne (a turn-of-the-century Mike Royko), Dooley was a wise-cracking Irish bar owner known for his scathing jabs at politicians and robber barons. It was Dooley who first said, "Trust everybody, but cut the cards."
10. Sidney ("The Ice Harvest"). One minute he's calling his mother a whore, the next he's breaking one of his customer's fingers. But don't worry. Sidney (Ned Bellamy) is a good-hearted soul who covers for
reg'lars and takes his kids to Six Flags.
