The anxious rider on an unpredictable horse.
I am the athlete and dancer who moves with expert grace.
In my case it's as if I've lost a limb, only worse, because all my muscles have been affected with rigidity, including those attached to my eyes. My eyes are spastic too. So I
have learned to adjust to my new situation. But blindness sometimes seems a small matter compared to other conditions about myself with which I have to cope.
Woman with partial sight and whole vision
in my little craft caught in a storm
pitching and weaving on Baptismal water
holding fast to my rudder, which appears to be God.
I can think myself to take a step, and sometimes I walk forward. Other times
my body simply refuses to cooperate with my mind. When this happens my feet won't budge. The harder I try to move them the more recalcitrant the rest of my body becomes. What used to come automatically no longer does.
I am the current which flows between the body and mind
electric synapse which gaily leaps and bumps headlong into a cell
enthusiastic energy captured against her will.
A romantic, somewhat elegant and passionate butterfly
paralyzed in the Devil's Spider Web.
Sometimes I want to yell with frustration. Other times the absurdity of my situation strikes me funny. Picking up a glass of water takes an inordinate amount of concentration and energy. If I don't pay close attention, I could very easily sling the contents over my shoulder. Sometimes when eating a sandwich, I find my hands slowly but surely squeezing the bread between my fingers. I am powerless to stop them. They make me feel unreal as if I were half a person. Am I myself or a monster, A stranger living in my body must have hurled that water on the floor. I simply wouldn't do that sort of thing!
I am the speaker with soft, husky voice;
the corny contralto singer with deep love of music and song;
courageous and upon occasion funny, flexible yet incorrigible,
I am the woman who laughs.
So much of my sense of self before my injury was wrapped up in what I could do physically.
I was an athlete, a singer, an actor, a leader in school. I had it all.
Now I am held captive by a badly damaged brain.
I am anew, unique and crazily crafted mixture
of body and mind
of body and soul
I am the dark eyes and the smile ....
But sometimes in private, when I am alone, I think about my life before and after the automobile accident, and then sometimes I cry.