"Proof there's a lot of alcoholics in this state," said sports-radio talker "Big Daddy" Graham, a Philly native.
But we're completely in favor. Not of the drinking. Of the tolls. The installation of toll booths should pretty well stop traffic completely, turning the Schuylkill into a 21-mile-long parking lot. And that, friends, represents untold economic opportunity.
Entrepreneurs could feast on a captive audience composed of the drivers and passengers inside up to 190,000 cars a day.
Rita's Water Ice is looking to expand. A franchisee could rent the westbound breakdown lane and sell to motorists broiling in the summer heat - a whole new take on window service. High schools could hold car washes in the middle of the expressway and never run out of customers.
The installation of toll booths would surely boost newspaper circulation - believe me, we'd appreciate it - because bootjacks could stroll the lanes, hawking copies to drivers desperate for something to read.
It would be good for the vendors, too. Every day, a nice, healthy walk from South Philadelphia to Valley Forge.
Gentlemen's clubs could offer lap dances to traffic-bound guys, giving new meaning to the Conshohocken curve.
The clubs should provide a discount, seeing as how the patrons are bringing their own seats.
Despite how often the Lord's name is invoked on the Schuylkill, opportunities for religious practice may be limited.
Ken Klein of the Tibetan Buddhist Center of Philadelphia in Upper Darby says the repetition of sacred mantras requires deep concentration and visualization - of a deity, perhaps, or a flame. Not the best idea in traffic.
But even Klein, a peaceful Buddhist, will tell you, "There's no way in hell a toll will work on the Schuylkill."
