As for you brave women in uniform, sorry. She's got nuthin'.
* After Kuwait,
Jessica may want to consider Ukraine.
In Touch Weekly reports that her bomb-ola movie "Blonde Ambition" is boffo there.
Those former Soviets love the movie. They love Jessica. They want Jessica to visit.
"She is really the ideal of American beauty and style, like Barbie," Ukrainian Film Commission member Alex Shpiluk told In Touch, being both insane and brilliant in the same sentence. "She would be useful to us and our image."
Arama Gevorcyan, a leading Ukrainian film producer, wants to make it happen. "I'm the organizer of the big 80th anniversary celebration this September of the largest Ukrainian film studio, Dovzhenko," he said. "We would love for Jessica Simpson to come to this celebration. And don't worry, we will pay for it!"
Can Tony come too?
Will you throw in a Fendi bag?
"She is very famous here," Gevorcyan continued. " 'The Dukes of Hazzard' was shown 10 times on TV last month."
What does more to rot a child's brain? China exporting toys with lead paint or the U.S. exporting Jessica Simpson movies?
One twin's fashion . . .
Even though it often looks to Tattle as if they're dressed in rags, Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen are working on a coffee-table book about fashion, titled "Influence," to be released this fall.
According to a statement issued Wednesday by publisher Penguin, the book will include "exclusive photographs of Ashley and Mary-Kate from world renowned photographer Rankin, and a wide variety of other never-before-seen materials and interviews from Mary-Kate and Ashley's personal collections."
The Olsens will be writing about photographers, artists and designers including Bob Colacello, Terry Richardson, Jack Pierson and Christian Louboutin.
"Mary-Kate and I have filled 'Influence' with the most interesting, challenging, creative people we know - the ones who helped pave the way for us and our generation," Ashley said via statement.
Added Mary-Kate: "Ashley and I interviewed the people who have inspired us, with the hope that they will inspire and teach others."
You both should interview a sandwich.
* California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger has asked Ohio's Motts Military Museum to return the Austrian army tank he lent it.
Finally, the plans are set to move north into Oregon?
Uh, no. Arnold plans to offer tank rides to inner-city children in L.A. as a reward for staying in school, avoiding drugs and working hard.
* British Judge Hugh Bennett will give the financial terms of Paul McCartney and Heather Mills' divorce settlement on March 17.
Hmm . . . Britain's News of the World reported the terms of the settlement two Sundays ago.
You'd figure the judge would have seen it.
Could the paper have been . . . wrong?
Bennett will deliver his ruling to McCartney, Mills and their lawyers during a private hearing.
He will then decide, after hearing from the lawyers, whether to make any of the ruling public.
* In another courtroom across the pond, Boy George has denied imprisoning Norwegian Audun Carlsen at his London home last year.
During a hearing yesterda, the ex-Culture Club-er pleaded not guilty to false imprisonment.
Carlsen claims that George handcuffed him to a wall after he went to George's apartment as a photo model. The alleged incident took place last April. The trial won't start until November.
Would someone please uncuff the guy?
* The United Negro College Fund is honoring Denzel Washington and his wife, Pauletta, at its 64th anniversary dinner on March 7 in New York.
The Washingtons will receive the Frederick D. Patterson Award for helping historically black colleges and universities, and helping minorities pay for education.
The award is named for a co-founder of the United Negro College Fund and former president of what is now Tuskegee University in Alabama.
Washington's "The Great Debaters" was inspired by a historically black college debate team that debated an all-white team at an Ivy League university during legal segregation in the 1930s.
* Remember those old broker commercials, "When E.F. Hutton speaks, people listen."
They had nothing on Oprah.
After making her new book-club pick Eckhart Tolle's "A New Earth," the spiritual self-help guide has moved about 3.5 million copies.
The book has topped the best-seller list on Amazon.com virtually from the moment Oprah opened her mouth, and it is the fastest-selling pick ever at Barnes & Noble, according to a statement issued yesterday by Oprah.
Hey, Oprah, how about telling people to read newspapers. *
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