What happens in ‘Vegas’? Not a whole lot

"What Happens In Vegas" can be forwarded directly to the nominating committee of the Golden Raspberry Foundation.

It's a dreadful, wit-starved comedy (worst movie?) featuring Ashton Kutcher (worst actor?) and Cameron Diaz (worst actress?) as two low-rollers who get drunk and hitched in Las Vegas, and are about to break up during a day-after hangover when they hit a slot-machine jackpot that has each scheming over how to claim the winnings.

The flimsy premise has a judge (Dennis Miller) sentencing them to six months of real marriage (hard time, if you prefer) in his dingy, dirty walk-up apartment.

Are there jokes about Kutcher leaving the toilet seat up?

Oh yes. Not one, but half a dozen. Other highlights include Kutcher forcing Diaz to eat popcorn that he's seasoned with sweat from the NC-17 part of his body.

It gets worse from there, with each spouse spurred by a conniving friend (Rob Corddry, Lake Bell) to wage a dirty-tricks campaign designed to make the other lose favor in the eyes of the judge, thereby forfeiting the jackpot.

You can see, conceptually, why this turkey got a green light. It has roughly the same dynamics as the hit comedy "Knocked Up" - successful female (Diaz works on Wall Street) forced to endure a relationship with a loser guy.

Seth Rogen, though, was a lovable loser. Kutcher's character is just a loser - kicked out of a family business by his own family, a fellow whose idea of dealing with that setback is to go to Las Vegas and spend all his money.

He's almost thoroughly unlikable, and so is this movie. *

Produced by Michael Aguilar, Dean Georgaris, Shawn Levy, directed by Tom Vaughan, written by Dana Fox, music by Christophe Beck, distributed by 20th Century Fox.