Gonzo: Popcorn and over-unders

Posted: September 16, 2008

Because the Eagles-Cowboys rivalry is so heated, the boss wanted me to engage someone from Dallas during the game. The following is a discussion I had last night with Eric Celeste, managing editor of D Magazine, FrontBurner blogger and loyal Cowboys fan.

Eric and I worked together at the Village Voice Media paper in Dallas. He's one of the best editors I've ever had. (It's a short list.)

Other things you should know about Eric: He willingly calls himself "Tulsa." He's one of those creepy 40-and-over men you'll find on Facebook. And he once knowingly sold me a broken television. Then, when I tried to get my money back, he said "buyer beware." Which was awesome.

Pregame

Gonzo, 7:45 p.m.: I like the Birds +6.5 tonight. I also like the under (47). Mainly because I listened to ESPN radio earlier, and some handicapper whose name I can't remember, from some site I can't recall, said he liked the under. The site had "Vegas" in the name. Good enough for me.

Tulsa, 7:53: You know what line I really like? The over-under on inane comments by Chris Berman. He shattered it in the first three minutes.

Getcher popcorn ready, Philly. Goes well with cheesesteak.

Gonzo, 7:54: Have you been drinking?

Tulsa, 7:55: Just tonight.

First Quarter

Tulsa, 8:39: Do you think that bandage on Romo's chin is really to protect him from whatever Jessica picked up from Nick Lachey?

Gonzo, 8:45: Wow, that first drive was too easy. Did they score? It was so quick, I'll have to watch the replay to make sure. Did any time even come off the clock? (Eagles, 3-0.)

Gonzo, 8:55: I know. Shut up.

Tulsa, 8:55.02: Touchdown T.O.! Did you like your popcorn, b----? (Cowboys, 7-3.)

Tulsa, 9:05: Our bend-don't-break defense kills me. Only because McNabb sucks do I have confidence we will prevail.

Gonzo, 9:08: How does it feel to know that Tony Romo is a less accomplished playoff quarterback than McNabb? Does that warm you inside? I'll take that second David Akers field goal. Keep it close. Don't panic. Plenty of time. (Cowboys, 7-6.)

Tulsa, 9:12: I would answer your question, but I'm celebrating Felix Jones' kickoff return. We score touchdowns. But, yeah, keep kicking field goals. That's working out well for you. (Cowboys, 14-6.)

Gonzo, 9:13: Die.

Gonzo, 9:20: That pass-interference call at the goal line probably should have gone against Greg Lewis. But it didn't. Pity.

Second Quarter

Gonzo, 9:24: What were you saying about touchdowns? Because Westbrook just punched one in. I don't care that the Eagles got down there because of a bogus pass-interference call. I'll take the score.

Greg Lewis is in your head right now.  (Cowboys, 14-13.)

Tulsa, 9:25: Tainted!

Gonzo, 9:29: Nice play by Romo to lose the ball in his own end zone. He's got great hands - proves it over and over. I think when the Eagles pounce on the ball like that, it's a touchdown . . . yep. A quick scoreboard check confirms that's correct. (Eagles, 20-14.)

Tulsa, 9:31: At least all our women don't look like Talia Shire.

Tulsa, 9:40: T.O. laughs at you by scoring another touchdown. My poor, dumb, losing friend. (Cowboys, 21-20.)

Gonzo, 9:47: Please tell me DeSean Jackson didn't toss the ball away before he crossed the goal line. Unreal. No one's made a play that ugly since Romo fumbled that extra point in the playoffs. Maybe one of the all-time boneheaded moves.

Gonzo, 9:51: Westbrook just got Jackson off the hook by scoring. Still doesn't excuse that huge rookie mistake. I'm not sure whether to be excited or livid.

So much for the under. That ESPN radio handicapper owes me money. (Eagles, 27-21.)

Tulsa, 9:52: So awesome. Maybe DeSean and Leon Lett can get a place together.

Gonzo, 10:13: Another field goal. Does it hurt to sit down with David Akers' foot in your backside? (Eagles, 30-21.)

Tulsa, 10:17: No. Nick Folk's 51-yarder is my cushion. Akers is Brandi Chastain compared. Crazy first half. (Eagles, 30-24.)

Third Quarter

Tulsa, 10:53: Touchdown Dallas. Need a haircut? Let me introduce you to a man named BARBER! (Cowboys, 31-30.)

Gonzo, 10:54: Maybe you could open for Carrot Top. I can see you doing prop comedy in Reno at some point.

Tulsa, 10:55: C'mon. That was funny. It makes me laugh. As does the thought of the Eagles winning.

Gonzo, 10:56: Try the veal!

Fourth Quarter

Gonzo, 11:08: Three touchdowns for Westbrook. He's done it all tonight. Best player on the field. I seem to remember you jabbering something about popcorn. (Eagles, 37-31.)

Tulsa, 11:10: Amazing game. Going to suck when you lose it.

Tulsa, 11:20: Nick Folk = money. (Eagles, 37-34.)

Gonzo, 11:21: Speak English. I don't understand when you talk Texan.

Gonzo, 11:27: Argh. Another bad handoff? And a fumble? Are you kidding? McNabb just lost the entire Eagles fan base by pulling that ball away from Westbrook's stomach. No. 5 is gonna get hammered in the morning for causing that turnover.

Tulsa, 11:34: Touchdown Barber. From The Matrix: "That is the sound of inevitability." (Cowboys, 41-37.)

Gonzo, 11:35: Leave me alone. I'm busy being angry at McNabb.


Contact columnist John Gonzalez at 215-854-2813 or gonzalez@phillynews.com.

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