The 2008-09 beer commercial season, which closes this weekend with Super Bowl XLIII, was entirely unmemorable. No catchphrases, no talking animals, no Man Laws.
And, in this post-nipple era, no cavernous expanse of cleavage.
(Speaking of which, have you noticed that when hot women show up in beer commercials these days, they're always part of a small, mixed gathering of healthy Americans having fun at a clam bake or other group activity? Is it me, or do they all look like horror movie bait, ripe for getting picked off one at a time by some hatchet-wielding mutant?)
I saw exactly one commercial this season that almost made me run out and buy a sixpack: The Miller High Life delivery-truck dude indignantly removing cold beers from a stadium luxury box because its occupants were oblivious to the game below.
The spot perfectly reflected the growing beer-stained sentiment, during this economic collapse, of populist anger toward the rich. First we take their beer, then we tar and feather the bastards!
The rest had me yawning. They're coasting on Madison Avenue.
I mean, when will Coors Light pull the plug on those insipid, make-believe post-game press conferences? Do they realize that Jim Mora retired eight years ago?
And then there are the Drinkability ads.
In brewing circles, "drinkability" is a measure of the ease of consumption. And what, you may ask, makes a beer easy to drink?
A 2004 peer-reviewed paper published by the Master Brewers Association of America said that carbonation and bubble density are among the major factors that increase drinkability. Among the negative factors: aroma, flavor, malt, hops, bitterness and aftertaste.
In other words, the less character, the more drinkable.
One other factor improves drinkability, according to the paper: The rate of gastric emptying. The faster a beer makes you pee, the more you can drink.
Which, frankly, would make for a good commercial.
