A friend of a friend of Pollack's forwarded the audio file to me. (You can listen to it here: http://tinyurl.com/pollackwalton.) It's a crazy, effusive, over-the-top monologue that makes Hallmark cards and singing telegrams seem lazy by comparison.
The message - which lasts 1 minute, 44 seconds and contains 238 words - is part traditional happy birthday song, part classic Walton stream of consciousness, and part Vegas lounge act.
Initially, I tried to chop up Walton's words to make them easier to digest. But that would do his stand-up routine a great disservice. You just have to dive in and get dirty.
As you're reading it, try to pick up your speed and energy as you go - that's how Walton delivered it. Also, understand that Walton sang all the "happy birthdays" with wonderful karaoke flair. He drew them out and turned them into long, dramatic asides that sounded like "haaaappppyy birrrrthdaaaaay."
Good luck:
"Happy birthday, happy birthday. Harvey, this Bill Walton just in case you thought it might have been Neil Young or Tony Bennett or Barry Manilow or someone else. But I just wanted to call and wish you the happiest of birthdays and just say thanks for everything, Harvey. You make our lives so wonderful, so full, so complete. And you are such an intergalactic treasure. I cannot believe it's gone so fast - 87 years young. Oh. My. Gosh. You have given your life to make everybody else's better, Harvey, and we just wanted to say thank you on this most special day for you. And we hope that you have just many, many, many, many more birthdays. Happy birthday, happy birthday. Thanks for not only making a difference, Harvey, thanks for making the difference . . . in all of our lives. Where on earth would we be without Harvey Pollack? Happy birthday to you.
