What he said: "I want to thank Wakefield for being such an outstanding host."
What he meant: "I am well- pleased by the lengths to which my foot soldiers have gone to secure this cannily disguised indoctrination center, whose doors are being padlocked as we speak. Mwah-ha-ha-ha!"
What he said: "No matter what grade you're in, some of you are probably wishing it were still summer and you could've stayed in bed just a little bit longer this morning."
What he meant: "You will regret ever having left the soft comforts of your unsuspecting parents' homes. Now: Look deeply into my cold eyes . . . one-two-three . . . there! You are mine."
What he said: "I'm here because I want to talk with you about your education and what's expected of all of you in this new school year."
What he meant: "You will give me your hearts, minds and souls. You will steal from your parents in the night and send me the contents of their wallets. No coin is too small in the building of my socialist empire, where your grandma will wait 27 months to see the government doctor about a persistent itch. And then she will be euthanized."
What he said: "Every single one of you has something that you're good at. Every single one of you has something to offer. And you have a responsibility to yourself to discover what that is."
What he meant: "And then we will shave your head and attach electrodes to your scalp and suck it out of you."
What he said: "No matter what you want to do with your life, I guarantee that you'll need an education to do it. . . . You cannot drop out of school and just drop into a good job. You've got to train for it and work for it and learn for it."
What he meant: "Hard work is very stressful. Here, have a toke of this special cigarette. It will relax you."
What he said: "We need every single one of you to develop your talents and your skills and your intellect so you can help us old folks solve our most difficult problems."
What he meant: "There will be no old folks in the new American regime. What do you think my death panels are for?"
What he said: "I know a lot of you have challenges in your lives right now. I get it. I know what it's like. My father left my family when I was 2 years old, and I was raised by a single mom who had to work and who struggled at times to pay the bills and wasn't always able to give us the things that other kids had."
What he meant: "My socialist regime is the only Big Daddy you will ever need . . . look into my eyes, my eyes, my eyes . . ."
What he said: "There is no excuse for not trying."
What he meant: "You! Comrade in the second row! Your Mao cap is crooked! Guards! Remove him!"
What he said: "Where you are right now doesn't have to determine where you'll end up. No one's written your destiny for you, because here in America, you write your own destiny."
What he meant: "Psst, I wasn't born in America . . ."
What he said: "But whatever you resolve to do, I want you to commit to it. I want you to really work at it."
What he meant: "Yo, sixth-graders in the back of the auditorium: Don't even try to climb that barb-wired fence. You'll shred your hands."
What he said: "I expect all of you to get serious this year. I expect you to put your best effort into everything you do. I expect great things from each of you. So don't let us down. Don't let your family down or your country down. Most of all, don't let yourself down. Make us all proud."
What he meant: "I will not rest until every one of you have failed spectacularly."
What he said: "God bless you. God bless America."
What he meant: "Mwah-ha-ha-ha-ha!
E-mail firstname.lastname@example.org or call 215-854-2217. For recent columns:
http://go.philly.com/polaneczky. Read Ronnie's blog at http://go.philly.com/ronnieblog.