Bill Conlin: Phillies clinch, now it's time for a laugh

WHEN I'M KING of the World . . .

Permission to exhale will be granted when the magic number reaches one . . . However, gallows humor will be banned once the lead of a first-place team is shrinking more rapidly than the magic number . . . Heard this gallows-humor classic on the grapevine after Monday night's prairie-flat effort against the Astros and Yorman Bazardo, not to be confused with Antonio Bastardo, a legitimate prospect. Anyway, a beat writer and a Phils broadcaster were waiting for the elevator after the debacle. Beat Man: "I don't think the Division Series is gonna last very long." Broadcaster, shrugging: "Who's gonna beat the Braves?" Fortunately, Charlie Manuel made his Mohammed-goes-to-the-mountain clubhouse speech Tuesday and all is suddenly at peace with the world . . . A champagne-drenched peace, as it turned out when the Phillies clinched the NL East last night.

There was a 1971 film starring a young Al Pacino called "The Panic in Needle Park." Scoring heroin, even during a shortage, wasn't everything, it was the only thing. Want evidence that MLB's random drug testing has scared a lot of juicers straight? Just check the American League home-run leaderboard. It's Oct. 1 and not a 40-homer guy going into last night's games - despite the AL East homer havens called home by the Yankees, Red Sox, Orioles, Blue Jays and Rays. Are you kidding me? And last year Miguel Cabrera led the AL with a 15-inch-mound-era total of 37. In 10 seasons from 2007 back, the AL leaders had 54, 54, 48, 43, 47, 57, 52, 47, 48, 56. As Arte Johnson used to say on "Laugh-In": "Verrrrrrrrry interesting." Arte is a nod to '64 Collapse survivors.

When I'm King of the World . . .