When animals get to sue

By George Parry

Harvard law professor Cass Sunstein was recently confirmed by the Senate as the Obama administration's regulatory czar. Sunstein is a brilliant defender of animal rights who has argued for permitting lawsuits on behalf of non-humans. He will be a stellar addition to Team Obama as it goes about the task of remaking society.

Currently in this country, one out of every three people seems to be a lawyer. So it was that the trial bar cheered Sunstein's ascension into the ranks of executive power and the welcome expansion of tort liability - and contingent fees - that it portends.

Sadly, though, not everyone shares the legal profession's enthusiasm. As an attorney and holder of an advanced degree from an actual law school, I have received a number of worried inquiries about Sunstein and his beliefs.

For example, "Mike V." writes: "What's up with this Sunny Stein dude? A friend of mine used to run a kennel in which dogs were electrocuted, drowned, and stuff. Can he be sued? If so, how would that work?"

Dear Mike: Yes, the deceased dogs' next of kin can now sue your friend for wrongful death. The plaintiffs will be entitled to a jury of their peers. I would try to get as many cats on the jury as possible.

Of course, due to diversity mandates, an all-cat jury will not be allowed, so you can expect that one or more dogs will be selected. I would, however, attempt to strike all schnauzers, since they are notoriously pro-plaintiff.

As you can see, there are many issues to be addressed. Have your friend call me with his credit card information.

Another correspondent, "Nervous in Pennsylvania," writes: "I am the director of an animal shelter. It has been our policy to euthanize any stray animals that are not adopted. Now that Professor Sunstein is in a position of authority, do I have any legal exposure?"

Dear Nervous: Let me get this straight. You run a death camp for animals, and you're wondering if you're in trouble? If I were you, I would retain me, and we would cut an immunity deal whereby you testify against the camp guards in return for a suspended sentence. Speak to no one about this matter, and call me immediately.

"Natalie P." writes: "I left town over the Labor Day weekend and forgot to feed my fish. I fed them as soon as I returned, but now they stare at me accusingly. I think they may be organizing a class-action lawsuit. What should I do?"

Dear Natalie: Put your fish tank in lockdown and retain me. My "investigator," Mr. Clemenza, can arrange for your fish to sleep with the fishes, if you get my drift.

And so it goes. If my mail is any indication, as with the United Auto Workers, President Obama has certainly rewarded us trial lawyers for our support by opening up a cornucopia of remunerative possibilities.