Dr. Tradelove: The Art of the Deal

Welcome to Week 5. The official start of hunting season. Hunter? You. (And Jared Allen, evidently.) Hunted? The unsuspecting mooks in your league. Weapon of choice? The Trade. (But bring Contra Spray Gun for backup.) Urine to mask the scent? I'm thinking something from the Marion Butts collection.

Hunting season could not come fast enough for me this year. I couldn't win a head-to-head with bye week right now. If stink were a color, I'd be the rainbow. My team somehow has a going problem and a growing problem.

But this is not about me. This is about you. Look at you. Like Hammer at Crabtree's negotiating table. Getting. It. Done. Spot-starting the Niners D for 39. Benching McFadden for his Negativo. And don't think I didn't see you add Sims-Walker and drop Holt at 11:58 Sunday morning from your blackberry while at church. (Not telling, but say 10 Hail Marys and trade me Sims-Walker.)

If this were a movie, a British manager would be all over you saying, "I don't know what it is, but you've got it. You're going to be huge."

He's right. You're going to be huge. (We all are. Preservatives in our food are killing us. Go organic, chub rock.) You also have it. And I want it. And that's why this movie is Dr. Tradelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying about My Team and Fell In Love With Yours.

According to CBS Sportsline, the most traded players over the last month are 1. Terrell Owens 2. Mario Manningham 3. Willis McGahee 4. Steve Slaton. 5. Brandon Marshall. A bit further down the list - but not too far - Roddy White, Larry Fitzgerald, Michael Turner and DeAngelo Williams.

This means two things: 1. No one's untouchable; 2. somebody out there wants your guys (and they're thinking about them right now. (Creepy.) Half that list I just gave were first- or second-rounders a month ago. Peterson and Brees didn't make the Top 40, but that doesn't mean they're Elliot Ness, either. The possibilities are endless. Like that episode of Perfect Strangers where Balki learns to drive. Anything can happen. You just have to ask.

Not sure you're a trader? Let me ask you. Do you like mojo? A friend of mine just traded away Addai and in return got Jones-Drew. How do you like that Mojo? (The other owner was 0 and 4 and wanted to shake things up. He also thought it was 2007, apparently. My friend allegedly told him "You're 0-4 with him, you can't be much worse without him, right?" And this worked!)