(Thanks to the good people at Mazda who have no idea they're sponsoring this award. When I was a young boy, my neighbor drove that box on wheels, the MPV. For whatever reason my prepubescent brain couldn't differentiate between MPV and MVP, and I would always mix the two up. This was last week. So now there's an award with both. May the confusion continue.)
The That's a Deal-Breaker Award for Worst Performance by a Leading Man - LaDainian Tomlinson. Chester Taylor, Jerome Harrison, Tashard Choice and Fred Taylor (who's been out for a month!) all have better numbers this year. You used a first-round draft choice on him. That's a deal-breaker, fugazis. And to quote a certain Dracula Musical: "It's getting very hard to believe that things are going to get better."
The Verbal Kint Award for Biggest Surprise - Cedric Benson. If you had him leading the league in rushing through Week 8, you're a liar. Chazz Palminteri just dropped his coffee mug to the floor in slow motion. Benson is Keyser Söze.
The Mortal Kombat Spine-Ripping, Soul-Crushing You-Finished-Me Award - Matt Forte. He's a man, He's 40th(!) in overall points for a running back. Most painful no-show since Mr. Belding's substitute-teaching brother skipped out on the class' whitewater rafting trip to date that flight attendant.
The Jerry Maguire You Complete Me Award - Owen Daniels. A tight end putting up better numbers than all but seven of the wide receivers in the league? That's as ludicrous as a picture of Gary Coleman and Mark Messier.
The Things Are Looking Up Award for Most Upside - Miles Austin. He's averaging 8-210-2 over his last two weeks. If scoring long TDs is cool, consider him Miles Austin.
