Local and national authorities are asking for your help with a new Andy Alert. The following information has already been passed to law enforcement officials across the country and will also begin appearing on milk cartons today.
Missing: Big Red's Philadelphia Eagles and their Super Bowl aspirations. Including: head coach Andy Reid, quarterbacks Donovan McNabb and Michael Vick, the running game, Wildcat offense, red-zone offense, offensive line, run defense, kickoff return specialists, clock-management assistant, and the franchise's best (but most underutilized) employee, Common Sense.
Age: 11 seasons old.
Description: Reid was last seen wearing all black. He frequently hides behind a bushy mustache, laminated play-calling chart, and the phrase "I need to do better." The rest of the Eagles often don midnight green and white, along with confused looks - generally on running downs, during two-minute drills, and whenever a challenge flag is thrown by their head coach. Team president Joe Banner, who is not among the missing and who is coordinating interagency efforts from the team's NovaCare Complex headquarters in South Philadelphia, recently implored law enforcement officials to look for "the best roster in the league." The FBI obliged. Early this morning, separate searches began in earnest in New Orleans and Indianapolis.