Fantasy playoffs: Matchups matter

I dedicate this column to all the owners who went up against Drew Brees, Andre Johnson, Ray Rice, or Dallas Clark last week. (Or, as they’re known in the Pardon the Horn league, Kornheiser’s team.) There are buzz saws and then there are Sun’s Out, Guns Out, Mortal Kombat Flawless Victories. And anyone who ran into any of the above players — or Chris Johnson, Brandon Marshall or the 49ers’ D (!?!) — well … may the Fantasy gods have mercy on your soul.

But if you managed to survive, congrats. You passed the test. Now for the final exam: the completely arbitrary and random playoffs.

That’s right, I said it. The fantasy playoffs … they’re fluketastic!

Don’t get me wrong, I come for the fluke and stay for the tastic. The fact that Antonio Bryant, Derrick Ward and Tyler Thigpen won leagues all around this great country last year gives me hope. But a one-week, single-elimination, fancy feast just strikes me as a different sport than the one we play all season. It’s like the whole regular season is Tecmo and then the playoffs are Electric Football. There’s noise, a lot of spinning around in circles, an increased chance of getting shocked, and Mom screaming that it’s time for dinner.

When your season comes down to one week, make it about the matchups.

Week 15
Starters

Tony Romo vs. New Orleans — Hard to believe that a matchup of the QB that puts the debacle in December against a team that’s 13-0 is a matchup you want, but I like this for two reasons. 1. The Saints have been brutalized by Campbell and Redman in back-to-back weeks. 2. Even if Brees goes big, the Cowboys will be playing from behind and that means garbagio points. It’s like this: If they win, you win. If they lose, you win. You can’t lose. (Pesci said the same thing to DeNiro in Raging Bull. DeNiro then threw a T-bone at his wife. Don’t do that.)

Jason Campbell vs. Giants — Pop Quiz! What defense has allowed the most points to a QB in the month of December? You guessed it, the Giants. Pop Quiz No. 2! What player trails only Brees, Chris Johnson, and Romo for points scored in the last three weeks? Jason Campbell. That’s a bingo.

Kurt Warner vs. Lions — After the Pittsburgh Airport sushi incident, I didn’t eat for five days. My first meal back was three slices of baked ziti pizza. 243 grams of carbohydrates never tasted better. Warner threw up all over his shoes Monday night but the Lions’ D looks like the right type of carb loading.