Gonzo: Newest members of Philly's Knuckleheads Club

Posted: May 07, 2010

Charles Barkley has a particular way of saying knucklehead. It rolls off his tongue with a slow Southern drawl that makes it sound more like nugggggle-hay-ed. No one delivers it like Chuck.

It's one of his favorite words - perhaps because Chuck, himself, is a nugggggle-hay-ed. The lengthy list of his infractions includes (but isn't limited to) accidentally spitting on a child during a game, being arrested after picking up a lady of the night, and throwing a guy through a window.

Barkley, of course, isn't alone in his knuckleheadedness - especially not here in Philadelphia. Over the last year, we've seen an unfortunate and marked increase in that sort of behavior. Here then, in no particular order, are the newest inductees into the Charles Barkley Knuckleheads Club:

Steve Consalvi and Thomas Betz: Consalvi, a 17-year-old high school student, got Tasered after running onto the field during the Phillies game. Betz somehow avoided the shock treatment even though he hopped the left-field wall and walked along the warning track the next night. Where's the justice? They should have Tasered Betz at least three times - once for being a 34-year-old "aspiring DJ," twice more for calling himself "The Thorobred."

Ryan Madson: Everyone gets angry, but if you're going to lash out and rumble with a metal chair you'd better prepare yourself. Attacking furniture is dangerous business. I once lost a knife fight to a recliner.

Matt Clemmens: There's some dispute about whether the Cherry Hill resident tried to projectile-vomit on an off-duty cop and his kids at a Phils game or if he accidentally threw up while getting a beat-down to his left eye. Either way, he probably wouldn't have booted everywhere if he didn't have anything in his stomach. This is important to remember, so maybe you should write it down: Never eat more than three Schmitters in an inning. It's not a sprint, people. Take your time.

Ian Laperriere: After consulting with various physicians, Page 2 has learned that 10 out of 10 doctors recommend stopping hockey pucks with something other than your face.

Cole Hamels: During the World Series, he said he wanted a fresh start and was looking forward to the following season. After that, I began wondering: If he caught on fire, would anyone in Philly put him out?

Allen Iverson: Here's what you shouldn't do if you leave your team because of what you say are family reasons: show up in Charlotte to throw a party at some club with Jermaine Dupri. That should be fairly self-explanatory, particularly because no one wants to be seen with Jermaine Dupri - even Jermaine Dupri.

Ed Stefanski: You know those scenes in mob movies when the guy who's about to get clipped gets marched into the woods, handed a shovel, and told to dig? I never understood that. Why dig your own grave? Might as well make the other guy do the dirty work after you're gone. That has nothing to do with Stefanski's situation. Just popped into my head for some reason.

Chase Utley: At a recent charity event, Daily News gossip columnist Dan Gross gave the second baseman a chance to compliment his wife, Jen, in the same way she complimented him in Philadelphia Magazine. (Jen remarked that the best thing about being married to the Fightin' Phil is his great backside.) Utley paused for a second and said, "What can I say?" Jen, who was standing next to the slugger, quickly said, "Nothing doesn't really compliment anything." Then she stared at him. Awkward. Chase, dude, it's OK not to get hit by a pitch now and then. You're allowed to get out of the way.

Brett Myers: Myers became a candidate for the CBK Hall of Fame when he tried to come up with a story about how he got a black eye. Even though he had been in a bar one night when a fight broke out, Myers said he wasn't involved. Instead, he first claimed his young son hit him in the eye with a baseball. Then he changed his story and insisted it happened when he fell out of his Escalade. So either a toddler gave him that shiner or it was the result of his inability to simply step out of a vehicle without face-planting. Those are better excuses than admitting you got tuned up by some townie?

Sam McNabb: After 11 years in Philadelphia, Donovan McNabb was traded to the Washington Redskins on Easter Sunday. His father, Sam, thought that was fitting and drew an unfortunate parallel between his son and Jesus. That inspired a lot of people to send me jokes about the comment. The best one came courtesy of my buddy Flan: "Jesus invented overtime. McNabb didn't even know the rules."


Contact columnist John Gonzalez at 215-854-2813 or Gonzalez@phillynews.com. Follow him on Twitter: www.twitter.com/gonzophilly.

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