Question: I'm an old-school dad with Christian morals. I have three daughters, 14, 18 and 19. Only the eldest is dating. I tell them every day I love them.
I have told my daughters for a few years that if they get into a relationship, move in with a guy, and decide later to get married, I will not pay for the wedding or reception. I would go to the wedding and give them away but nothing else. That is the consequence for their action. If they do things right, I will pay.
Also, I've told them several times that I will not raise my grandchildren because of their poor choices (I would in case of death or illness, etc.). They will have to find somewhere to live. If they want to make adult choices they can pay the adult price.
I have friends with unwed daughters who are raising grandchildren (the fathers are nowhere around). They want to relax, retire, but now it's like starting over taking care of a child. The children are a blessing and are loved, but my friends have told me all the stress it has caused.
I would love and forgive my daughters if one of these things happened, but they would pay the price. Do you think this is too harsh?
Answer: Too harsh on your daughters? Not at all. With weddings, anyone grown up enough to get married is grown up enough to pay for it, period. If parents want to pitch in as a gift, then they're free to do so on their terms - just as children are free to decline the money if they don't like the terms. I applaud your firmness and clarity on that stand.
I do balk at your phrasing, because "do things right" is, to me, nothing more than "do things my way." We're not talking life and death here, or the Golden Rule; your "right way" to get married might not be right for every couple on Earth.
When it comes to thoughtlessly conceived children, the stakes turn gray. Yes, anyone adult enough to breed is adult enough to secure ample support - and I have to think it's good for your daughters to grow up with the expectation of being held accountable.
I think if you talk more to these put-upon grandparents, though, you'll find a few who used to think as you did but have had a change of heart.
When an innocent child, your grandchild, is at risk of hunger or neglect, the kind of you-made-your-bed morality you espouse might become a luxury you can't afford. Humility is old-school, too.
