Gonzo: Andrews brothers fleeced the Eagles

Local and federal authorities recently released this All-Points Bulletin:

Be on the lookout for two large males carrying satchels stuffed with millions of dollars. The suspects are in their late 20s. One is 6-foot-7, 340 pounds. The other is 6-foot-4, 335 pounds. They are believed to be brothers. They were last seen fleeing from The Gold Standard Bank on the corner of Broad Street and Pattison Avenue in South Philadelphia. Police think the robbers split up after the crime and headed for Seattle and North Jersey, respectively.

It must have been easy enough for Stacy Andrews to make off with what's been reported as just over $9 million of the Eagles' money. His sibling/accomplice, Shawn, infiltrated the organization years ago and crafted a brilliant-yet-simple plan to steal from owner Jeffrey Lurie - known around the Andrews safehouse as "Ol' Man Moneybags" - before any of the Birds' employees could hit the alarm. All Stacy had to do was literally sit around (he started just two games at right guard for the Eagles) and follow Shawn's escape route.

The unanswered question is how Stacy and Shawn managed to leave town without anyone chasing after them or demanding that the brothers get locked up for fraud and grand theft. Lurie has entrusted Joe Banner, Andy Reid, and Howie Roseman with watching the store and keeping the hired hands from dipping their greedy fingers into the company cash register without earning it. But not only did the S&S Gang pull off two huge heists, they were actually applauded for swindling the Eagles out of millions. And here's the craziest part: The guys doing the clapping were the same rubes who got robbed.

When asked how disappointing it was that "things didn't work out" with Stacy - a gross understatement by any measure - the Eagles' general manager didn't do the natural thing, which would have been something on the order of screaming like a woman who just got her purse stolen. Instead, Roseman said, "We wish him the best of luck in Seattle."

The best of luck? No kidding? Try breaking into your boss' home to grab some costume jewelry and see if you get the best-of-luck treatment.

But maybe Roseman's response shouldn't be so surprising. After the Birds cut Shawn - ending widespread speculation in the medical community that YouTube and Twitter might be homeopathic remedies for back pain and/or depression - Reid bid the other Andrews brother an equally fond farewell.