Tell Me About It: Daughter wants a big fat 'wrong' wedding

Question: I am anti-big/expensive weddings. I had a small wedding, borrowed my dress, let my sister choose what she wanted to wear as maid of honor. Reception was at my parents' house, catered by family and friends.

Imagine my surprise when my daughter announces she wants a lavish destination wedding, with all the obnoxious bells and whistles. And guess who she expects to pay?

This led to a huge row. Other than setting out what her dad and I would be willing to pay, how can I get her to understand how - wrong she is?

Answer: Don't. "Getting" an adult to understand is a setup for failure more spectacular than an overblown wedding. And don't even venture to the "I walked a mile to my wedding through the snow barefoot and uphill both ways" zone - it's a relationship black hole.

That doesn't mean you can't voice objections to line items. For example, saying "No, Muffy, it is not acceptable to print 'Cash gifts preferred' on the invitation" is a moral obligation to society. Set reasonable financial limits, stick to them, and hope she gets priced out of her own fatuity.

Question: My best friend of 30 years - one I have shared almost everything with (death of parents, marriage of children) - has taken to making fun of me in public. We belong to the same book club, and I have noticed, more than once, that she rolls her eyes at the other members when I talk. So far I have ignored it. I do not want to endanger our friendship, but I think this is disrespectful, and not worthy of her.

Answer: Then just say so, and use the language you used here, because it's brave, direct, and heartfelt. Eye-rolling is none of these things, because it allows her to distance herself from you without assuming any of the responsibility that comes with telling you the truth to your face. It's craven, and does far more to jeopardize your friendship than you'll do by calling her out.