ARTICLES in addition to, and amendment of the Constitution of the Philadelphia Eagles, proposed by the front office, and ratified by the front office, pursuant to our own rules - which change to fit our needs at the time. (In other words: Stop by the gift shop to buy a commemorative copy of our new laws for the low, low price of a month's wage and your best plow horse.)
Amendment I: The Eagles shall make no law respecting any offensive philosophy but our own (because passing is awesome). We shall also prohibit the free exercise thereof and abridge the freedom of speech of our head coach, our fans, and the press. Don't even get us started on the press. Bunch of rabble-rousers who need to enjoy the wins and stop reminding Andy Reid when he goofs or uses "poor English." The "right" of the fans to petition the Eagles for a redress of grievances will be unnecessary; our internal polling shows no grievances with the organization.
Amendment II: The right of the people to keep and bear snowballs shall not be infringed - unless a few inches of snow falls and that week's game is postponed until Tuesday.
Amendment III: No player shall, during the season or after, have his contract restructured to reflect improved performance, without consent of the owner. And he's never around. So good luck with all that, DeSean Jackson. Seriously, unless Drew Rosenhaus summers on Cape Cod and has a mansion next to Jeffrey Lurie, you had better save your shillings, 'cause that's all you're getting for a while.
Amendment IV: The right of the people to be secure in their persons shall not be violated, unless the people are wearing Donovan McNabb Redskins jerseys, at which point said people will be hustled off the sideline at training camp. No warrants shall be issued, and the offensive items will be seized.
Amendment V: No person shall be held to answer for a capital or otherwise infamous crime - unless that person is a disabled stadium employee who uses Facebook to challenge our decision to let Brian Dawkins leave town. Then that person will be dealt with swiftly, and without all that messy, time-consuming "due process" nonsense. What does that even mean? Due process? Sounds like something a spineless tea-loving Brit - or Pete Carroll - dreamed up.
Amendment VI: In all prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy the right to a speedy and public dismissal. Very speedy. Very public. (See Amendment V.)
Amendment VII: Where the value in controversy - i.e., in the team - shall exceed $1 billion, the right to high-five around the NovaCare Complex shall be preserved. We do a lot of high-fiving. This town is a gold mine. Norman Braman was a sucker for selling.
Amendment VIII: Excessive fines for tickets and merchandise will be required, and cruel and unusual punishment will be imposed at the end of every season. Most of the time, the latter will occur in the playoffs. At least you're not a Browns fan. Quit your crying.
Amendment IX: The enumeration in the Eagles Constitution, of certain rights, shall not be construed to deny or disparage others retained by our people. Not so much you people as we people. This is an important one, so pay attention. The right to stockpile your money without spending it on topflight free agents is reserved, as is the right to routinely lie to the press and, by extension, the fans. Coaches and players who receive votes of confidence from Andy Reid retain the right to pack their things and decamp for Washington, Carolina, or, in Kevin Kolb's case, the bench.
Amendment X: All powers are delegated to the front office by the Eagles Constitution. That is how, over the years, we ended up with Freddie Mitchell, Jerome McDougle, Stacy Andrews, Ernie Sims, Dimitri Patterson, King Dunlap, and others. But, man, did we hit on Michael Vick. You win some, you lose some. Unless you're talking about the Super Bowl. Then it's just lose some.
Contact columnist John Gonzalez at 215-854-2813 or firstname.lastname@example.org.
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