Missing a bet, the magazine's name is not Jihad. It is Inspire. Uplifting, right?
Not so fast. It wants to inspire jihad, but not the good kind that moderate Muslims talk about, an internal struggle to be a good Muslim and a good person.
Sorry, Inspire seeks to inspire the bad kind of jihad, the 9/11 kind that the mushy-headed are incapable of acknowledging.
Tellingly, the date is "Spring 1431," so when defenders of democracy (too often called "Islamophobes" by knee-jerkers) tell you that Islamists want to turn the clock back a few hundred years, believe them.
The current issue - in English, 70 pages, no newsstand price, no ads, really no pinup pictures - is professional propaganda, long on text, short on photos of terrorists (drat those drone aircraft!), and a big section on the revolution sweeping the Arab world, which al Qaeda calls an opportunity for it to expand its reach.
It says attacks on your homeland (America) are cheaper and sow more terror than going to Afghanistan or Somalia to fight (and find martyrdom). It notes that many U.S. arrests in 2010 were of small groups of terrorists. "We have witnessed that operations done by a lone individual have proven to be much more successful," it counsels in an advice column.
In the "Open Source Jihad" section, this issue teaches handling the Kalashnikov, the terrorist's rifle of choice. It promises "bomb-making techniques, security measures, guerrilla tactics, weapons training," allowing American Muslims "to train at home."
In addition to no pinups, there are no recipes, no beauty or weight-loss tips. (You call this a modern magazine?) No sports! Not even that weird version of polo some Arabs play on camelback, using a goat's head as a ball. (This is the straight-up truth.)
A recent issue, which I missed, did have a recipe piece. It was headlined, "How to make a bomb in the kitchen of your Mom." (Homegrown terrorists as slackers who can't be pushed out of the nest?)
To be fair, Inspire dislikes most Arab leaders as much as American leaders. "Al Qaeda . . . is against the idea that [regime] change should be only through peaceful means to the exclusion of the use of force." This is why they are al Qaeda and not al Quaker.
It favors fundamentalist Muslim leaders who will enforce Shariah law. (Ladies, you'll look fetching in a burka.)
Looking to pick up some spare change freelancing, I emailed the editors (noting their caution that intelligence services may be reading the email). I asked if they pay by the word, by the inch or by the number of death vows against Americans, Israelis, Westerners and Jews.
I used my private email account (the one I use for online porn) and my customary screen name: T. Milton Street.
Here's the article I proposed: "Bewitched Animals in the Service of Infidels."
The following are straight-up truth:
* Iran's state-sponsored IRNA news agency reported: "Intelligence operatives have arrested 14 squirrels within Iran's borders. The squirrels were carrying spy gear of foreign agencies and were stopped before they could act."
* Israel is responsible for a fatal shark attack and lethal jellyfish in the Red Sea, said South Sinai Gov. Mohemed Abdel. "Mossad [Israel's spy agency] throwing the deadly shark [in the sea] to hit tourism in Egypt is not out of the question."
* Saudi Arabia "detained" a vulture as part of a "Zionist plot," the BBC reported.
* Released Guantanamo inmate Walid Muhammad Hajj said Jews on the base cast spells, resulting in another inmate urinating into milk served to prisoners. When Hajj asked the man why he urinated in the milk, "he said to me, 'The birds on the barbed wire would talk to me and tell me to urinate in the milk.'" The same Gitmo guest reported that a cat repeatedly tried to sodomize him.
My article would plot a way for true jihadist brothers to get spying squirrels and rapist cats on our side.
I haven't heard back from Inspire yet. You think maybe it was my screen name?
Email firstname.lastname@example.org or call 215-854-5977. See Stu on Facebook. For recent columns: