What he said: "I don't see that anything I did violates my oath of office to uphold the Constitution."
What he meant: "I had my aides double- and triple-check to make sure that my oath of office didn't include some sort of 'Common Sense' pledge."
What he said: "I don't know what I was thinking. These were destructive things to do."
What he meant: "I was thinking that I was going to send a woman pictures of my own personal version of 'The Battle of the Bulge,' and that she was going to like them. "
What he said: "Once I realized I had posted it on Twitter, I panicked, I took it down and said I'd been hacked."
What he meant: "Once I realized I had posted it on Twitter, I shrieked, threw the phone across the room and collapsed into the fetal position while sobbing, 'This is not happening, this is not happening!' "
What he said: "My home computer is usually where I did these things."
What he meant: "If the FBI ever seizes my home computer, plan on attending another press conference like this one."
What he said: "I love my wife very much, and we have no intention of splitting up over this. I love her very much, and she loves me."
What he meant: "I'm currently looking to rent an apartment in the New York area. If you know of any available, hit me up on Twitter - er, nevermind."