"You could say I've been providing kindling for this roast for a while. It's time to light it up. It's going to be epic," Sheen said, illustrating exactly why this roast will probably be a rehashed version of "tiger blood" and "warlock" jokes that we've been groaning at for a couple of months now. We're sorry, Sheen, but we're over it.
Roasts are supposed to be loving low blows aimed at people we insult because we love. This one just seems so easy, as if we're shooting fish in a really, ridiculously small barrel.
Plus, did we learn nothing from his live show? Sheen's Torpedo of Truth Tour was a failure of epic proportions. At least the roast will be taped, and Sheen won't be flying without a net.
Still, we're watching only if Kutcher shows up and says something along the lines of, "I really appreciate your no-strings gift of a huge payday and priceless publicity. Hit me up when you need rehab money. Next time's on me."
Pink's Name Game
We were so pleasantly suprised when Pink, a/k/a homegirl Alecia Moore, announced that her baby girl, born June 2, had the relatively normal name of Willow Sage Hart.
Pink opened up to People magazine about how she chose her gal's name: "The willow is my favorite tree. I grew up near one. It's the most flexible tree in nature and nothing can break it - no wind, no elements. It can bend and withstand anything. I love that sentiment. I want that for her.
As for Willow's middle name, "Sage is cleansing and sacred."
She also joked about her good fortune in marrying a man - motocross-er Carey Hart - with a great last name. "It sounded great together," she said. "It doesn't hurt that her last name is Hart - flexible cleansed heart."
Maria makes bank
Cry no more for Maria Shriver, impending ex-wife of former California guv Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Shriver officially filed for divorce on Friday. Her filing noted that Schwarzenegger will seek joint custody of their sons, Christopher and Patrick. Radar's source says that the couple want the marriage over with as quickly and as amicably as possible.
Because there was no prenup, Shriver is already entitled to 50 percent of Schwarzenegger's $500 million to $750 million worth. That's already a pretty penny. But a source close to the facts told Radar Online that Arnahld is preparing to shell out a "very generous divorce settlement," more than is a required by California law.
Add the divorce settlement to the more than $15 million Shriver was reportedly offered for a tell-all, and Shriver's set to end her marriage on a relatively high note. Lady Tattle suggests that Shriver first spend the money on a bacchalian girls' night out where she is given the choice of any carved-from-marble men her heart desires.
* In other ladies-jilted-by-their-scumbag-husbands-making-good news, Christie Brinkley showed she's still got that uptown 'zazz this weekend. The New York Daily News says that Alex Rodriguez was "clearly hitting" on Brinkley after the Yankees' game against the Brewers.
A-Rod told the 57-year-old Brinkley that he was "unattached," which will probably be news to Rodriguez's current flame Cameron Diaz.
Rapper Nicki Minaj awoke yesterday morning to the news that her cousin Nicholas Telemaque, 27, was gunned down about 2:40 a.m. after leaving the C-PAC nightclub, near his house in East Flatbush, Brooklyn.
Reports say that Telemaque's death from gunshot wounds to the torso could be the result of a mistaken identity and that he was never the intended target.
Minaj took to Twitter to post pics of her fallen relative, calling him "my precious cousin. My baby."
Girls on top
Forbes released a list of the Hollywood's highest paid actresses, with both Angelina Jolie and Sarah Jessica Parker topping the list. They each made $30 million between May 1, 2010 and May 1, 2011, in pretax gross income.
Jolie was in two high-grossing movies last year, "Salt" and "The Tourist," which flopped on our shore but did well overseas. SJPSPJ still rakes in Carrie Bradshaw money and does well with her various fragrances.
Rounding out the top five are the likes of Jennifer Aniston ($28 million), Reese Witherspoon ($28 million) and Julia Roberts ($20 million).
But before we declare feminism over because actresses are making the big bucks, let's compare: A 2010 Forbes list used the same metrics to uncover the highest paid actors. Johnny Depp topped the list with $75 million.
Daily News wire services contributed to this report.