The new pseudo-sports keep flying at us, as fast as Phillies injury updates, major winners from Northern Ireland, and altered Flyers philosophies.
Rugby sevens, twenty20 cricket, mega-ramp skateboarding, netball, disc golf, stunt-pogoing, BMX, UFL, UFC, MLL . . . S-T-O-P!
It's time we whittled them to a more manageable number.
Here are some simple tips for doing just that:
We can do without any sport . . .
that has "synchronized" in its name. This stuff should be confined to dinner theaters.
whose active participants have appeared on "Dancing with the Stars."
where kicking an opponent is considered a legitimate tactic and not a sign that the kicker ought to be wearing a skirt.
that requires bait.
whose name includes "ultimate," "moto," "board," or "cross."
that is content to have significant games, even championships, decided by shootouts.
with motors, engines or any moving parts not connected to a cheerleader.
that is merely a truncated version of a legitimate sport, like softball, miniature golf, or arena football.
that is played on roller skates, Rollerblades, or skateboards.
with byes, seeds, and rankings.
whose outcome is determined by a judge's opinion.
that utilizes rifles, pistols, bows and arrows, swords, or spears.
in which competitors wear advertisements on their persons.
that is described as "made for television," "fast and furious," or "extreme."
whose pregame shows include more than two ex-jocks with expensive suits and very little to say.
that invites viewers to participate during in-game polls.
whose participants are referred to as "good ol' boys," "clean-cut," or "upstanding."
that requires its athletes to curtsy, spit in a pail, or tweet.
in which the competitors go barefoot.
whose players are thugs or whose fans are hooligans.
that puts men in thongs.
which has teams whose mascots are not creatures found in nature.
whose fans play beer pong and/or sell nitrous oxide balloons in the parking lot.
that has fans of Notre Dame, rituals that are lame, a potential to maim, no recognizable names, Sunday-night games.
It certainly didn't take Rory McIlroy long to make the jump from innocence to the tabloids.
Last week, the freckle-faced, 22-year-old U.S. Open champ from Northern Ireland ripped the weather conditions that typically come into play at British Opens. Then, after breaking up with his longtime girlfriend, he was recorded on video kissing tennis star Caroline Wozniacki.
