Joe Sixpack: Inventors create goofy gadgets to enhance beer-drinking experience

IF NECESSITY is the mother of invention, beer is its wild-eyed uncle. You know, the one who corners you at family reunions with his latest can't-miss scheme, one that will revolutionize society and earn a bazillion bucks if you want to invest a couple thou.

No doubt fueled by a sixpack or two, inventors and assorted crackpots fill the archives of the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office with off-the-wall ideas to enhance consumption of our favorite beverage.

Grand ideas such as:

* Party Goggles, application No. 12/927,974, by Bruce Riggs of Helendale, Calif.

"Simply stated," Riggs' application simply states, "the Party Goggles are the literal personification of the mythical Beer Goggles worn by so many intoxicated adults on so many beer-fueled weekend nights all across the nation and, for that matter, the world."

What he's invented is a pair of open-ended, 12-ounce aluminum beer cans affixed to eyeglass frames. They're guaranteed to "resurrect an otherwise lifeless party from the bowels of mediocrity or [give] the wearer the power to kick an average party into high gear."

"How many times," Riggs asks in his application, "have we all been stuck at a fetid fete marooned at the beer-stained end of a crowded couch, uncomfortably sipping a flat beer and hoping against hope that someone would do or say something interesting, something memorable? That is precisely what the Party Goggles provide."

"They work perfect," said Riggs, 45, a married father of two boys who works for the local gas company. "It's a party hit."

Riggs is completely earnest about his invention. He's made a few prototypes with cans of Bud and Heineken. He had a deal with one of those companies that promises to market your invention, but that went nowhere.

I asked Riggs if he was drinking beer when he came up with his idea. "Probably," he replied. "It's hard to say."

* Beer Can with Top and Bottom Pull Tabs, application No. 12/657,439, by Todd Bland of Omaha, Neb.

A conventional can, Bland noted, has just one pull tab on the top. His has one on each end, allowing it to be emptied "in a matter of seconds."

Who needs to empty a can "in a matter of seconds?" Well, cooks who use lots of tomato juice, said Bland. And marathon runners who want to drink on the run.

Oh yeah, and "consumers who desire a faster flow of their favorite beverage to empty their said cans." In other words, Bland has invented a self-contained shotgunning beer can.