Dave on Demand: Sure-bet (yawn) Emmy winners

"Mad Men"? Start polishing up your best-drama trophy. John Slattery (left)? Nope - you're too far down on the ballot. Jon Hamm? You lost last year, so you're out of luck.
"Mad Men"? Start polishing up your best-drama trophy. John Slattery (left)? Nope - you're too far down on the ballot. Jon Hamm? You lost last year, so you're out of luck. (FRANK OCKENFELS / AMC)
Posted: September 17, 2011

Want to amaze your friends and neighbors this weekend with your Emmy acumen? Just follow Dave's EZ Can't-Miss system for picking the prime-time winners:

In all the major series' categories, identify last year's winners, and let them ride. Told you it was EZ. The Emmys repeat more than a foot-long sausage-and-peppers hoagie.

That's because most of the voters are in water-aerobics class with Abe Vigoda. They fill out their Emmy ballot like they do their taxes: "Get me last year's form. I'll put down the same answers."

How else do you explain Candice Bergen winning five comedy Emmys for Murphy Brown? She wasn't the funniest woman in that time slot. Bergen wasn't even the funniest woman on her own show.

Here then are your (duplicate) winners: For outstanding comedy: Modern Family.

Outstanding actor in a comedy: Jim Parsons (The Big Bang Theory).

Outstanding actress in a comedy: Edie Falco (Nurse Jackie).

Outstanding supporting actor in a comedy: Eric Stonestreet (Modern Family.)

Outstanding supporting actress in a comedy: Jane Lynch (Glee).

Outstanding drama: Mad Men.

Outstanding supporting actress in a drama: Archie Panjabi (The Good Wife).

There are a few aberrations this year. Because Breaking Bad is not eligible, last year's outstanding drama actor and outstanding supporting drama actor are out of the running. (Thus robbing Bryan Cranston of his fourth consecutive Emmy.)

And outstanding drama actress Kyra Sedgwick wasn't even nominated this year. That stings!

In cases like this, take the first actor listed on the Academy of Television Arts and Sciences ballot in the pertinent category (listed alphabetically by show title), however ludicrous. (Why risk eyestrain, right, voters?)

Step right up, Steve Buscemi (Boardwalk Empire), Connie Britton (Friday Night Lights), and Peter Dinklage (Game of Thrones).   

Warning: The results this year may be a little chaotic because of the nostalgia factor. Mad Men could get a boost because the series reminds the Emmy voters of their primes. The Prohibition-era Boardwalk Empire could have a strong showing because it reminds voters of their youths. And the medieval Game of Thrones might prevail because it brings back thoughts of their grandparents. Go figure.

Total eclipse. I'm going to come right out and say it. The Dancing With the Stars season that starts Monday? Worst cast ever.

I know we've always used the designation "Stars" loosely, but come on! Nancy Grace? David Arquette? Rob Kardashian? And it goes downhill from there.

Chaz Bono may have famous parents, but the only film he's ever been in was a documentary about his gender-reassignment surgery. Oh, you missed that? It was on OWN.

And Elisabetta Canalis? She's listed as a former girlfriend of George Clooney. I haven't followed Clooney's romantic life closely, which may be why I've never heard of her. But all his escorts seem interchangeable: willowy women of vaguely European heritage who never speak. They're like mute swans.

Out of time. Went on vacation this month and when I came back, it was the '80s all over again. Eddie Murphy is hosting the Academy Awards and Henry (The Fonz) Winkler is designated an Honorary Officer of the Most Excellent Order of the British Empire by Queen Elizabeth II.

Now I can't get this darn Lionel Richie song out of my head.


Contact staff writer David Hiltbrand at 215-854-4552 or dhiltbrand@phillynews.com. Read his pop culture blog at www.philly.com/philly/blogs/dave_on_demand.

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