"As you might know, I've worked with some of the biggest names in the business. I'm the guy who convinced Lindsay Lohan to wear that little white dress to court. I also suggested Coach Reid dress in black sweats. Confession here: The day the two of them got their outfits mixed up was not one of my proudest moments.
"Anyway, let's get down to specifics. Coach Reid, were you dropped on your head as a child? That news conference was the worst I've ever seen. How hard is it to respond to simple questions with simple declarative sentences? And, please, can we drop that inflection-less postgame litany of injuries? Players' careers are hanging in the balance, and you sound like you're reading a shopping list. Or Mayor Nutter's memoirs.
"I see we have a question from, who? Oh, yes Michael? Can somebody hold the microphone for Mr. Vick? That's an expensive piece of equipment, and, having watched him lately, I'm concerned he'll drop it. Though considering what I saw from the medical staff last week, even if he did drop it, there's probably no one qualified to determine whether it's broken. What was your question, Michael? I see. No, I really doubt that all referees are dog lovers.
"Getting back to Coach Reid for a moment, tell me, is it true that you named your offensive line coach your new defensive coordinator? It is? Andy, is there some reason you're trying to alienate your last handful of supporters in this city? Do me a favor, next time you feel like doing something stupid, step back and take a timeout - assuming you haven't squandered them all. And don't get me started on your time management. I've only got an hour.
"Hey, Joe Banner. Is what I'm hearing true? Did you really compare the Eagles to the Red Sox? And you're the guy in charge of the salary cap?
"Lastly, where's the genius doctor who examined Vick's X-ray and determined he'd broken the hand instead of bruised it? Just a guess, pal, but have you been analyzing film of the opposing offenses, too? My advice: Don't let this guy anywhere near the medicine chest."
In Boston, the pressure on the collapsing Red Sox has grown so intense that manager Terry Francona's hair is growing back in clumps.
Now that we've seen a little of Mike Kafka as the Eagles QB, several of namesake Franz Kafka's literary titles suddenly warrant subtitles:
The Metamorphosis: How I Helped Change the Eagles From Super Bowl Contender To Also-Ran.
The Trial: An Untested NFL QB Learns On The Fly.
Description of a Struggle: The Story Of The 2011 Eagles.
Temple will beat Penn State when . . .
A. Joe Paterno sports a Mohawk.
B. Philadelphia's riverfront is developed.
C. Chase Utley offers a revealing response.
D. The Flyers win another Stanley Cup.
E. 76ers attendance figures accurately reflect crowd sizes.
Eagles announce X-rays reveal that . . .
. . . Christina Lurie is a Republican.
. . . the correct pronunciation of Nnamdi Asomugha's name is Tim Johnson.
. . . DeSean Jackson is really 6-foot-4.
. . . Kurt Coleman can tackle.
Contact staff writer Frank Fitzpatrick at 215-854-5068, email@example.com, or @philafitz on Twitter. Read his blog, "Giving 'Em Fitz," at www.philly.com/fitz