A second chance for Energy Department

Posted: September 30, 2011

By George Parry

Dear Department of Energy:

You probably feel a bit embarrassed about blowing half a billion taxpayer dollars on the now-bankrupt Solyndra solar panel company. With the FBI raiding the company's offices and its top executives taking the Fifth, you have a serious public-relations problem on your hands.

Well, I am here to help repair your image and reinvigorate your sputtering green energy program. As CEO of the Eco-Energy Collective, I am offering you an opportunity to get in on the ground floor of the next big "gotta have" product: the solar-powered tanning bed.

Passively exposing skin to natural solar energy, this revolutionary device consumes no electricity and has no moving parts. Properly marketed, the Solar Tanning Bed 4000 will turn millions of pasty, self-loathing, zit-infested adolescents into bronzed, confident young men and women who are well on their way to achieving the leathery appearance so coveted by the idle rich.

At this point, you're probably thinking, "OK, George, but how can you bring about this green energy miracle? Won't this turn into yet another tax-dollar bonfire?"

No! Unlike those misty-eyed dreamers at Solyndra, I have a detailed, shovel-ready business plan that guarantees success! A mere $100 million in federal loan guarantees will allow me to execute it.

In year one, I will:

Give myself a pay raise ($10 million).

Convert my home into a state-of-the-art manufacturing facility ($10 million).

Hire Internet video sensation Zeituni Onyango, Obama's aunt, as the company spokeswoman ($5 million).

Pay my outstanding bar tab at the Philadelphia Cricket Club ($10,513).

Settle all property damage and sexual harassment claims from last year's office Christmas party ($238,916).

In year two, I will:

Convert my state-of-the-art manufacturing facility back into a home and then outsource all production to China ($10 million).

Give myself a generous severance package ($20 million).

Donate the balance of the loan to the Democratic National Committee.

This well-thought-out approach should attain instant credibility among your White House overseers.

If you do decide to extend a loan to me, please note that, due to the federal government's poor credit history, I am unable to accept a check from the U.S. Treasury. Please convey the funds by PayPal or money order. I look forward to doing business with you.

George Parry is a former state and federal prosecutor practicing law in Philadelphia.

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