Tell Me About It: Defend gay brother or stay silent?

Question: I'm 17 and moving away next fall for school. My older brother, who lives on his own, came out to our family 18 months ago. My mother (very religiously conservative) has "kicked my brother out of the family," to use her words. She told him he was not welcome at any family functions.

My brother refuses to be kicked out. He shows up at family gatherings anyway, often bringing his partner. He also stops by the house sometimes to see me and my sister, and when Mom tells him to leave, he just smiles, tells Mom he loves her, and then ignores her. He has told her repeatedly that "revoking his family membership" isn't within her powers. He told her to revoke the law of gravity while she was at it.

I'm tired of my mom's constant complaining to me about my brother. I think she's wrong but I've stayed silent 'cause I still live at home, and the one time I suggested she might rethink things, she went into orbit.

Answer: Your brother is an impressive human being.

He's being true to himself, firm but loving with your mom, attentive to his sibs, all without being punitive toward the mother who rejects him for who he is. Wow.

Your story suggests your brother came out to your parents when he was already on his own, or soon to be. You need to make a calculation now similar to your brother's. That's not to say you need to declare your truth the moment you leave the nest. It just means you have to balance what you believe against what you need and feel.

If it helps, your choices aren't limited to either selling out for shelter or defending your brother. When Mom complains, for example, you can take a cue from your brother and say, "Mom, I love you and I love (Brother)," then excuse yourself to do homework/dishes/whatever.