But who will stop these juvenated maniacs? Glad you asked.
In the bowels of the prison, which is now a tourist attraction, down below the solitary cell block, is a shadowy government facility. (Generally speaking, deep excavation is not a good idea on an island.) The unit is run by Emerson Hauser (Sam Neill) and his lab-coated assistant Lucy Banerjee (Parminder Nagra).
They reluctantly recruit a dogged SFPD detective, Rebecca Madsen (Sarah Jones), and Dr. Soto (Jorge Garcia), an unlikely academic.
Neill (Jurassic Park) rather overpowers his role. Nagra (ER) hasn't much to do except act inscrutable. Even with her pixieish appearance, Jones (Big Love) makes a surprisingly formidable law enforcement figure.
But Garcia (Lost) is flat-out laughable as a double Ph.D. He looks more like the slovenly Comic Book Guy on The Simpsons than he does a distinguished academic.
"I'm smarter than I look," he announces when we first meet him. He'd pretty much have to be.
Dr. Soto may not be much help in the chase scenes, but he's an awfully convenient character to have around. He knows the most minute details about every con who ever served time on the Rock, and about all the guards who worked there as well.
The Bird Man of Alcatraz's feathery pets? Soto knows their offspring's names.
There are enough coincidences, twists, and hidden cards packed into this show to fuel 10 conspiracy theories. As Garcia marvels after one reveal, "Is anyone else's head exploding right now?"
But somehow Alcatraz never manages to grab and hold you. The frequent flashbacks to the early '60s in each episode, which serve to give us the prisoner's backstory, act as a severe damper.
The show comes off as more of a dated Tales of Suspense comic book than a contemporary thriller.
In other words, it's duller than it looks.
Contact television writer David Hiltbrand at 215-854-4552, dhiltbrand@phillynews.com, or @daveondemand_tv on Twitter. Read his blog, "Dave on Demand," at www.philly.com/dod.
