Question: Almost 20 years ago, I was part of a large circle of friends in high school. One of the guys and I dated a couple of times and then 10 years later when we were in the same town. When I say "dated," that's all I mean, nothing more.
Fast forward to today, and this guy sent a "friend" request and a message saying the usual "So how's your life these days?" I didn't accept the request, but messaged back that life was great, happily married, children, rewarding work, volunteer stuff, etc.
He responded that he would appreciate it if I never told anybody, especially his wife, that we'd dated . . . ever! He elaborated that he doesn't want her to know the type of guy he used to be, which to me means I was "that type of girl," which isn't true. She was part of this circle and was herself dating somebody else.
Our reunion is coming up. His messages keep getting more insistent that I do not acknowledge them at the reunion. While I have no intention of bringing up the past, I do resent being told I must lie. Any ideas?
Answer: I suspect that, 10 years ago, he was seeing both of you at the same time, though that's hardly the only reason he or she might see you as a threat.
But I don't have to guess or suspect, and you don't have to worry there's something more complicated going on. That's because the only thing that matters is what you believe is the right thing to do.
You don't feel it's right to cover for him, so don't, and reply to his latest message with those intentions: "I won't put 'Roger's Ex' on my nametag, but I won't lie, either, if somebody else brings it up."
I hope he takes your polite refusal as a cue to bring more honesty to his marriage, but hope is as far as I'll go; that part of the problem is neither mine nor yours to solve.
