Question: Am I crazy to still be friends with my ex-wife? We split up five years ago after she had an affair with the man she is married to now. We had been married 15 years and had three kids, now ages 21 to 15.
I let go of any anger I had and forgave her several years ago. Now we are friends and text from time to time, and have lunch to talk about life, work, and the kids. There is nothing sexual happening. She is just a friend I have known for 21 years.
All my divorced friends think I am crazy and can't really be happy unless I put her out of my life. I am happy and have a good life, so why does everyone think I'm insane?
Answer: Two possibilities: (1) Your happiness is a front that your friends can see through, or (2) Your comfort with human complexity exceeds your friends'. The latter seems likely, given prevailing cultural attitudes about infidelity and divorce (and about marriage, since treating it as an adversarial, take-my-spouse-please act of externally imposed resignation is alive, if not exactly well ... but I digress).
If there's any chance it's No. 1, then hear your friends out.
Otherwise, you've earned your aw-shucks pat on the back. Bad feelings and bad behavior tend to create vicious circles, and it takes strength not to succumb.
Besides: There's no one "right" role for exes to serve in our lives - they can be friends, acquaintances, business partners, co-parents, strangers, whatever.
It's not where the ex goes that matters, it's where the anger goes. Congratulations on dealing with yours.
