Tell Me About It: If her ex is nicer now, should they try again?

Question: After years of reading your chats with a sick feeling in my stomach, knowing that wanting things to work didn't make it so, I finally ended my tumultuous five-year relationship six months ago. I have felt great since then!

My ex did not take it well. We've kept in contact as friends (his choice, I thought time apart would help), and he's repeated his desire to try again. He's taking responsibility and making real changes to deal with what led to our problems (cheating, emotional abuse, etc.). I can see he's working really hard and seeing results. So, how do you even decide about trying again? I don't know how to figure out what's fair to both of us.

Answer: Great, he's "working really hard" on himself.

That confers absolutely zero obligation on you to reward him with your trust or time or heart ever again. He can bestow the fruits of his hard emotional work on someone else, when he's really ready, which I highly doubt he is after six months.

If that's not a good enough argument, then try this one: If he were truly taking responsibility, then he'd recognize that he owes you freedom to find the happiness you deserve with someone who deserves you.

"Trying again" is all about what he wants. Sound familiar?

What's fair to you is what you're doing - enjoying your hard-earned happiness. What's fair to him is quite minimal: You owe him civility.

So, you can quite civilly say you're happy to hear of his progress, and you can wish him happiness in his future endeavors (i.e., a nice life).