Answer: Do you want to get over it?
Porn questions are often misleading, because they fall into the tar pit of "should." Should people stop using porn? Just paired-off people? Should their disapproving mates just get over it?
When it comes to living with someone else's choices, it's best to abandon the shoulds and stick to what is.
Is your boyfriend willing to stop using porn? If unwilling, can you love, trust, and accept someone who sneaks porn - and if willing, can you love, trust, and accept someone who at any given time isn't using porn only because you asked him not to?
Until you're sure where you stand, don't move in with him. If you do start (or stumble into) the "should" conversation, then try approaching it as a true-or-false question: If you believe an industry is so unsafe or dishonorable that you wouldn't offer up yourself or spouse/child (real or hypothetical) to work in it, then you shouldn't use the products of that industry.
Cool thing is, this works not just for porn, but for meatpacking, contact sports, mining, art, education, pubs, politics, you name it. Discuss.
Q: My husband and I allowed my brother to move in because he lost his job and was about to get evicted. We all agreed before he moved in that he would not smoke in our house.
Well, my husband came home early yesterday and found my brother smoking. My husband wants to kick my brother out, like, right now - change the locks today.
I am also mad at my brother for smoking in our house, but I feel like kicking him out for smoking a cigarette is an overreaction, and my brother has nowhere else to go. So, how do I resolve this?
A: Judging from his response, your husband sees this as a last straw.
Judging from your account, this is your brother's first offense.
The first offense + nowhere else to go + family = warn Brother that next time he does this he's out.
The husband's frustration + his good sportsmanship in hosting your brother = a just-spouses session where Husband airs his (other) grievances, you don't get defensive, and you agree on the bailout's end date. Your husband needs your support, too, just in less apparent ways than your brother does.
E-mail Carolyn Hax at tellme@washpost.com, follow her on Facebook at www.facebook.com/carolyn.hax or chat with her online at noon each Friday at www.washingtonpost.com.
