Answer: The only sure chance you won’t get hurt is never to care about anyone again.
If what you’re worried about is getting hurt in a replay of past hurts, then that makes more sense — but you have your experience to inform you. Are there signs that you ignored in the past and shouldn’t ignore now?
In that case, then it’s fine to say to her, “No, thanks” — or even, “Sure, let’s keep in touch,” where you then see if she means what she says.
If instead you see no signs you’re chasing someone unavailable again, then go ahead and cultivate the friendship.
The effort might still be fruitless, but that doesn’t automatically mean you should feel around for steel between your shoulder blades. Her intent in saying “Let’s keep in touch” can be honorable, and honorably come to naught. Whose fault would it be if she hoped to fall for you but didn’t?
Proceed slowly, make sure your efforts are being reciprocated, and keep your expectations in check — that’s really all you can do to lessen the chances of getting sucked in again.
Question:I am still in shock over a recent incident between a party guest and the host. Guest yelled across the crowded room, “Host, there is something on the plate I picked up; that’s disgusting.” She was not kidding. The host looked flabbergasted and embarrassed and finally said, “Well, then please get another plate.” I am friends with both of them but I was appalled by Guest and felt so bad for the host.
My boyfriend said I was right not to say anything, but I feel like I should have defended the host. What is your take on this?
Answer: I think a comment to Host shortly after the incident, along the lines of “Great party, you’ve outdone yourself” would have been just right.
But, even then, it’s OK to trust that Guest was the only one who looked bad. Though Host was no doubt embarrassed, Guest was so rude that you could safely assume everyone sympathized with Host.
E-mail Carolyn Hax at tellme@washpost.com.
