"I can smell the Aqua Net and garlic!" Nooki yells, as she tears through Complication's room.
Any similarity to a group of hard-partying MTV reality stars in the Jersey beach town of Seaside Heights is strictly overstated. These goofballs even have their own acronymic creed, a variation on GTL that I can't repeat here. The whole film is extravagantly crude in its violence, its language, and its sexual innuendo.
The crew likes to hang out at a funky boardwalk bar whose proprietor is played by Paul Sirico from The Sopranos. An on-camera graphic identifies him as Captain Sallie (two L's) at the same time a sign over his shoulder reads Captain Salie's Bar. Ah, well, you don't come to a joint like this for spelling lessons.
Although you're supposed to think of the greased decks of MTV's ratings flagship with every frame, the characters in Shark Attack are far more reminiscent of Leo Gorcey and the Bowery Boys, with Paulie Walnuts serving as their Louie Dumbrowski. The holiday weekend is just an opportunity for nonstop shenanigans, malaprops, and slapstick.
The Complication and his biceps boys are in conflict with the Lacoste snobs at the yacht club. And they're all menaced by an enormous school of rare and very aggressive sharks who are congregating offshore.
Jersey Shore's own Vinny Guadagnino makes a through-the-looking-glass appearance as a TV reporter. "Right now," he cronkites, "everyone from Sandy Hook to Beach Haven are being warned, ‘Yo, stay away from the water, bro.'?"
In fact, you're not completely safe on dry land, as Joey Fatone ("formerly of ‘N Sync," as he is referred to again and again in the film) proves in one of the screwiest cameos ever devised. Some of the other recognizable faces slumming in the film include Paul Sorvino, William Atherton, and Jack Scalia.
Whatever shred of realism Shark Attack might cling to is lost because the CGI predators are so shockingly phony. And they're the best actors in the film.
Vinny's right. Stay away from this water, bro.
Contact David Hiltbrand at 215-854-4552 or email@example.com, or follow on Twitter @daveondemand_tv. Read his blog, "Dave on Demand," at www.philly.com/dod.