Aide: Sir, I have your list here. Ready to get started?
Romney: Let's do it.
Aide: OK, number one: Replace Obamacare with Romneycare. Sir, we can check that off. I called the printer and he'll have it done by Thursday.
Romney: Very good. Next?
Aide: It says here you want to do a leveraged buyout of Cuba.
Romney: Well, we already have a 20 percent interest there in Guantánamo. So we make a move on their board and use the assets of the company—
Aide: Country, sir.
Romney: Yes, and use the assets — cigars, mangoes, ballplayers, those shirts with the big pockets, what have you — to finance buying them out.
Aide: What about the Castros?
Romney: We can send them off to a very comfortable retirement.
Aide: Sir, American presidents have been trying to send them off to retirement for the last 50 years.
Romney: Yeah, but those guys weren't businessmen. I've done a hundred deals like this. Next!
Aide: OK, it says here you want to sell off "underperforming units," and you've listed Alabama, Mississippi, Louisiana, and Alaska.
Romney: Uh-huh, uh-huh. We can't pour any more good money into failed divisions.
Aide: Sir, those are states whose citizens voted overwhelmingly for you.
Romney: Yes, and they'll thank me when I cut out all the dead wood so they can make a handsome profit. I like firing people.
Aide: So what do we tell the people who live there?
Romney: Tell them to take a shot, go for it, take a risk, get the education, borrow money if they have to from their parents, start a business. Next!
Aide: OK, cabinet appointments. For secretary of energy, you want to nominate — um, is this right? — Exxon?
Romney: That's exactly right. Who knows more about America's energy needs than its largest oil company?
Aide: Sir, traditionally, a person holds that job. Exxon is a corporation.
Romney: Corporations are people, my friend. And this administration will not tolerate discrimination against people just because they happen to be corporations.
Aide: Is that also true of people who happen to be gay?
Romney: That's a joke, right? You're making an attempt at humor? Because I live for laughter — Three Stooges, Keystone Kops, what have you. [Romney puts the aide in a headlock and starts cutting his hair.] Hey, I'm a prankster. Just ask Ann. [Romney lets go and walks over to a window of the Oval Office, singing to himself.] "Come on, little miss ... and do the twist." You know, I like it here. The trees aren't too big or too small. They're ... they're ...
Aide: Just the right height, sir?
Romney: Yes, they are. The trees are just the right height.
Daniel Deagler lives in Bucks County.