Q: I am into S&M — and I don't mean Steve and Mia. I am a sub, but my husband is not a dom. When we started dating five years ago, I refused to have sex until I was able to reveal myself. I told him to research it and get back to me if he was still interested. He did come back, and we had an incredible relationship for three years. Then we married and the first year was great. But over the past year he has slowly gotten rid of my sexual paraphernalia. He has pushed me into what I term vanilla sex. Initially, I gave in because it was something he needed, and since he gave me what I wanted, it was only fair. The problem is, I can't have a sexually satisfying experience without pain. He wants to help fix me; I have no desire to be fixed. And I feel he lied to me. I can't bear the thought of spending the rest of my life not ever being satisfied. I really do love this man. Is it possible for someone like me to change or is this a hopeless situation?
Steve & Mia: She likes S
Mia: Sounds like your man has some deep misunderstandings about human sexuality. This wasn't some experimental phase for you — it's how you're hardwired, and he needs to get that. I'd suggest a few sessions with a knowledgeable couples' therapist.
Steve: He likes vanilla; you like rocky road. Marriage is all about compromise. I bet he'd be willing to give you rocky road sometimes, if you serve vanilla sometimes. Discuss it. As for "fixing," there is no "normal" when it comes to sex. There are only likes and dislikes, and they vary widely from person to person.
Q: I am a woman in her mid-30s who's been involved in a wonderful relationship for the past six months with a man who told me he was 48. Through my work, I recently met someone who went to college with this man. I was shocked to learn that he's actually 60! He doesn't look it, but I feel betrayed because he lied about his age. I hate to quit what's been a great thing, but how can I possibly trust him in the future? Not to mention he'll be 70 when I'm 45. Advice?
Steve: Well, 70 is the new 50. But 45 is the new 25, so I guess that still doesn't work. You need to discuss his lying and find out if there are any other shoes to drop. If you find yourself doubting him, you're probably better off moving on.
Mia: Don't give up the good thing yet, but stay cautious for other falsehoods. If he lies again, leave. As for that May-December thing, only you can decide that it's a deal-breaker.
Steve is a 50-something married man who's been around the block. Mia is a younger, recently married woman with an all-together different attitude. They may not agree, but they have plenty of answers. Email S&M@phillynews.com or write: S&M, c/o Daily News, 400 N. Broad St., Philadelphia, PA 19130.
