The Situation's business plan
"But wait!" millions cry. "Isn't Jersey Shore shooting its last season? If so, what, oh, what will Michael “The Situation" Sorrentino do now?” Worry not: The man with the abs will land on his feet. He tells this week's In Touch he's planning to open a buncha GTL salons across the land. GTL is short for "Gym, Tan, Laundry," The Only Three Things You'd Ever Want to Do. The salons will have, yeah, a gym, a tanning salon, and a laundromat in each one. First openings in Miami and [Unspecified], N.J.
Say it ain't Sofia!
Sofia Vergara is down Mexico way for a week with moneybags sweetie-throb Nick Loeb, head of this food-topping biz called Onion Crunch. Don't lose your head, we told her. It's a fun time, and your 40th birthday (in Hollyvoid, traditionally when actresses are taken out and shot) is Tuesday, and ... make no big decisions until you talk to us. Well, celeb site Wonderwall says he asked her to marry him Monday night, and she said, "¡Sí!" She was showing off an engagement rock as big as Peter Dinklage at her birthday bash Tuesday night.
Holmes on the range
Katie Holmes tells People she relied on lawyer dad Martin Holmes in her superquick getaway and even superquicker divorce thing with Tom Cruise. She's said to have orchestrated the whole thing via throwaway mobile phones, a new apartment, etc. Cruise was kept on Cruise control. Meaning in the dark. Unnamed Confidante tells Us mag that ex-Cruise spouse Nicole Kidman was there for support. Katie's said to be "happy" with the agreement, which gives her custody of daughter Suri, 6.
Chris Brown slaps 'em down
Chris Brown is killin' everybody in the world to death in the face with his new album Fortune. It moved 134,000 units and debuted atop the Billboard 200 Album chart. (It tops the R&B chart as well.) The succeeding nine: (2) Katy Perry, Teenage Dream, 80K; (3) Justin Bieber, Believe, 70K; (4) Maroon 5, Overexposed, 68K; (5) Linkin Park, Living Things, 64K; (6) Gotye, Making Mirrors, 44K; (7) fun., Some Nights, 43K; (8) Kenny Chesney, Welcome to the Fishbowl, 43K; (9) Adele, 21, 41K; (10) Black Keys, El Camino, 37K. Here's what's interesting: Katy Perry, Gotye, fun., and Black Keys benefited from an Amazon.com one-day offer on July 3, putting 20 CDs up for 99 cents apiece.
Dumb jokes 2.0
Daniel Tosh, the gangly, slap-me-grin host of Tosh 2.0 on Comedy Central, likes to push boundaries. In a stand-up routine Friday at the Laugh Factory in Los Angeles, he riffed on rape jokes, and after being challenged by a female audience member, he included her in the humor. Soon a Tumblr post purportedly described their exchange, in which the woman shouted, "Actually, [such jokes] are never funny!", was offended, and left in a huff, or a minute and a huff. Via Twitter Tosh later apologized for including the woman in his routine. Note his expert use of the 140 characters to apologize-but-not-really: "all the out of context misquotes aside, i'd like to sincerely apologize." Now Jamie Masada, owner of the club, has told Buzzfeed it didn't happen as reported.
Saturday Night Live faux newsguy Seth Meyers says he has no plans to cohost ABC's Live! With Kelly along with powerhouse Kelly Ripa, pride of Voorhees Township. Translation: No formal offer yet. ... Usher canceled an appearance on Tuesday night's ESPY Awards, as his stepson, Kyle Glover, 11, remains in the hospital after a jet-ski accident. Reports say Kyle, son of Usher's ex-wife, Tameka Raymond, is brain dead. ... Jennifer Aspen (GCB) and hub David O'Donnell welcome babycakes daughter Charlotte Sophia O'Donnell, adopted on June 13. ... Queen Latifah says she's "totally serious" about adopting a baby, and she better be.
This article contains information from Inquirer wire services. Contact "SideShow" at firstname.lastname@example.org.