On the other side, I've heard Barack Obama is a college dropout whose actual birth mother is Sally Starr. Someone in the tea party confirmed it and then I read it on the Internet, so you know it is true. More seriously, Republicans demand to see Obama's academic transcript from Columbia and Harvard Law, where he allegedly studied. He won't release them.
Some say these are just distractions to divert voters' attention from serious issues facing America, such as joblessness, unfair tax rates and Sasquatch being signed by "Dancing With the Stars."
Actually, the crazy accusations are the serious issues to many Americans because mudballs are easier to understand than Keynesian economic philosophy.
Neither campaign is making the charges go away, which they could easily do.
To shut up Harry Reid and fellow jackals, Romney should not only release his tax returns, but do a massive document dump — tax returns, bridge-toll receipts, mortgage payments on however many homes he owns and trainers' bills for wife Ann's dancing horse, Rafalca, which flopped in the Olympics. (The "word's out" that Rafalca ragout will be on menus at Parisian restaurants.)
Similarly, Obama should release the long form of his birth certificate, his scholastic records and his marriage certificate, because the "word's out" that the Rev. Jeremiah Wright — that happy-go-lucky practical joker — didn't sign it, meaning that the First Couple are living in sin (a word progressives do not like).
The Romneyoids say they won't release the tax returns because even if they are as clean as a NASA lab, Dems will never be satisfied, will tear through them like a raccoon in a trash can and will demand more and more. That is entirely possible.
It's also possible Romney found a loophole to legally avoid paying taxes (a word conservatives do not like) and that will make him look bad. If he paid "millions" in taxes, as he has said, why not show us? Is there something even worse hiding in those records? As for Obama, why not release the scholastic records? If he's the smartest guy in the room, as his devotees believe, would his grades not be stratospheric? How else could he have gotten into Harvard Law? Unless — and the "word's out" — he was admitted as a "foreign student" as a result of his childhood in Indonesia. Why not release those records? Is there something even worse hiding in there?
Previous presidential candidates have released lots of tax returns, plus medical and academic records. These are justified requests and, yes, we do have a right to know. This is the American presidency, not "American Idol."
Here is the word from the Stu-niversity: Romney and Obama should release their records simultaneously and post them on the Internet.
Neither side gets an advantage. Outrageous claims will be proved, shown to be distortions or exploded like a bottle rocket.
Everyone gets satisfaction — the public, the press, the Internet and maybe even the Road Runner.
Email firstname.lastname@example.org or call 215-854-5977. Join Stu on Facebook. For recent columns: philly.com/Byko.