Sideshow: Maroon 5 sets a Philly date

Newlyweds Jessica Biel and Justin Timberlake in a 2010 photo. They were married Friday at an Italian resort. He called it "magical."
Newlyweds Jessica Biel and Justin Timberlake in a 2010 photo. They were married Friday at an Italian resort. He called it "magical." (Associated Press, file)
Posted: October 24, 2012

Maroon 5, the wave that bears all before it, or under it, or [your image here], has announced its spring 2013 North American tour! Lead god Adam Levine announced it on Ryan Seacrest's radio show Monday. AND!!!! the five-guy sexpop-funk band will move like Mick Jagger snugly into the Wells Fargo Center on Thursday, April 4. Neon Trees and Owl City are confirmed as opening bands. Tickets go on sale Saturday, this very Saturday OMG, Oct. 27, at 10 a.m. at,, the Wells Fargo Center Box Office, or by phone at 1-800-298-4200.

I mean, all A-Lev has to do is either put on or take off a T-shirt, and the world implodes, OK? If "Moves Like Jagger" or "Payphone" were not enough, we now have the inescapable, world-strangling "One More Night," riding - yahoo! - atop the pop charts. And Adam is also judgin' away on The Voice, which, for many viewers, might as well be titled The Adam. Is it not weird that Justin Timberlake, The Only Man Who Knows How to Rock Specs, is now a married dude? He and delectable goddess Jessica Biel, to the world's relief, finally married on Friday at the Borgo Egnazia resort at the Italian village named Fasano. Photos show the toothsome two even more dumbfoundingly, stupid-blinding gorgeous than you knew they were. He calls it "magical." She calls it a "fantasy." We called it years ago. Also on hand were Jimmy Fallon, Timbaland, Andy Samberg, and Beverly Mitchell. Who was the DJ? Who's everybody's DJ?? ?uestlove of Philly's own Roots!!! And now we at "SideShow" can report (because we read it in Us Weekly) that Justin sang to the pink-gowned Jess. Were that not kvellworthy enough, heart-shaped blossoms fell from above as the two new spouses emerged from the ceremony. Aw!

LiLo to be charged on nothing

Lindsay Lohan will face no criminal charges after being accused of clipping a fellow named Jose Rodriguez with her ride outside a New York hotel. (It's against the law to hit Jose with a car.) She was supposed to show up in court on Tuesday, but now the Manhattan D.A. says ain't nuffin' goin' on. Li-Lo spokesthing Steve Honig echoes that emotion, calling it "a big nothing." No explanation as to why it all went pffffft, but pffffft it went. . . .

Donald Trump, political B-52

Donald "Please Somebody Teach Me How to Be Relevant to Something" Trump tells Radar Online that on Wednesday he will drop a gigantic, implacable bombshell that will shatter Barack Obama, rock his dreams, splatter his world, smash his career, and rub his head in tepid Maypo. Rumor says the bombshell concerns Obama's birth certificate, which Trump, adjusting his pumpkin-hued comb-over, claims is fake. At least his credibility isn't on the line! Couldn't be! Put up or get fired, Don-O!!!

A winner, yay, and a loser, boo . . .

Showtime has picked up Homeland for a third season, to the astonishment of none. The weepy-nuts Claire Danes, whose tear ducts are going to need surgery before this is over, and the ambiguous Damian Lewis will have another dozen epis to settle . . . we fear to guess. . . . Alas, Private Practice has been axed by ABC. The 6-years-old spin-off of Grey's Anatomy, to end in January, stars Kate Walsh, who has said she was leaving soon anyways.

Adventures in nouveau P.R.!

Rihanna and Chris Brown have taught the world how you leverage trouble (in their case, his past violence toward her) to move product (new recordings). Here's a riff on that. Cher has a new album, first in 11 years, and she was just about to release "Woman's World," her new single, when . . . oops . . . some of it got leaked on the Internet. Now Cher tweets that she's upset. Meantime, Kris KardashianJenner, greatest P.R. genius ever, posted an Instagram image of herself in a tight, pert Wonder Woman costume. Oooh! A part of Kris emerged unbidden. Modest Kris took the image down - but not daughter Khloé, who kept it going by posting to her 7.8 million Twitter followers. Wicked brilliant.

Tom ted a ve wwwy naughty ting

Just to show you the universe is disintegrating, Tom Hanks said a very, very naughty word live Friday on ABC's The View. He was so mortified he tweeted his remorse to the cosmos. ABC said it de-effed the video for later broadcasts. Life is a box of chock-litts! . . .  

A deluge of heart-shaped blossoms

Envied male human Adam Schulman returned from his European honeymoon with new wifey Anne Hathaway on Sunday, touching down at LAX, which they did in a plane. They've been on the love lam since Sept. 29, when they got hitched. . . . Conservative host Bill O'Reilly of Fox now has three books ridin' high on various New York Times best sellers lists: Killing Kennedy, Killing Lincoln and Lincoln's Last Days, which is on the children's chapter list. We await his magisterial Killing Garfield.       

This article includes information from Inquirer wire services. Contact "SideShow" at

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