Dave on Demand: Angus T. Jones shoots his own one-trick pony

Angus T. Jones , in cuter days, with Charlie Sheen (left) and Jon Cryer.
Angus T. Jones , in cuter days, with Charlie Sheen (left) and Jon Cryer.
Posted: December 02, 2012

The angriest man in Hollywood has to be the manager of Angus T. Jones, the junior charter cast member of Two and a Half Men, who publicly trashed the sitcom this week.

Imagine you have a pony that gets paid a mind-boggling amount of money for making a weekly appearance at a successful, long-running circus.

You pinch yourself daily over this incredible, crazily lucrative stroke of fortune. Because you're pretty sure that if the circus decided it could do without your pony, you'd never find another paying gig for him, even giving kids rides at birthday parties.

Your pony isn't strong or fast or even particularly good-looking. It can't do tricks. In fact, it's something of a boondoggle that it has this circus sinecure at all.

The thing is, they hired your show horse when he was a yearling, no bigger than a Shetland and kind of cute, mostly because he was so small. For some unknown reason - maybe superstition? - they keep bringing him back, even though he becomes larger and odder-looking every year.

Did we mention it's the easiest job ever? Most of the time, the pony just stands there in the background for a couple of minutes. He doesn't even have to trot around the tent.

For Pete's sake, sometimes you think you work harder than he does, and your only task is taking that big check down to the bank every week.

And then one day, without warning or provocation, the pony takes a savage bite out of the ringmaster's backside, ruining his red satin pants, and leaving an angry wound that will not heal.

So, yeah, you're pretty angry about this gratuitous act of self-sabotage.

Jones, 19, is reportedly paid $350,000 per episode of Two and a Half Men, currently in its 10th season. Mostly that's to sit on the sofa and roll his eyes. If he has two lines of dialogue, that's a big week for him.

But if the newly evangelical Jones is appalled at the bawdy tone of his own show, as he professed to be in a bizarre rambling rant on YouTube this week, wouldn't the truly Christian act be to give away his outlandish salary to the more needy? Maybe get Charlie Sheen to establish a matching fund?

Now, that has the makings of a good reality series. On every program, the guys from Person of Interest could identify a truly destitute individual, and then Angus would show up and hand them a satchel full of cash.

Sound unlikely? Well, after this week, it's about the only show you're likely to ever see Angus T. Jones on again.

Remember the Black Sox. Covering the big Powerball payout in Missouri on NBC Nightly News, Kerry Sanders reported the rumor that the winning numbers may have been picked by a fan of the Kansas City Royals, based on popular players' uniform numbers.

Back in the studio, anchor Brian Williams concluded, "Who doesn't love a big, juicy conspiracy theory?"

Well, it's a theory anyway, Bri. But conspiracy? Not unless George Brett fixed the results using pine tar.

Steady Eddie. After Nucky's faithful valet, Eddie, was gut-shot on this week's Boardwalk Empire, Chalky got his prospective son-in-law, a medical student, to perform crude and excruciating backroom surgery on a wide-awake Eddie.

Nucky and Chalky (sounds like a vaudeville act, no?) struggled to hold down Eddie's head and feet as he spasmed in pain. But his hands, while unfettered and inches from the wound, remained motionless at his sides, as if frozen.

Now that's self-restraint.

What's good for the Goose. Are they outsourcing TV's closed-captioning now? If you haven't noticed, over the last couple of years, the running text of what's being said on screen has gone from unreliable to near gibberish.

Strangely, the only person who actually ends up sounding articulate the more they garble his words is Fox football analyst Tony Siragusa.


Contact David Hiltbrand

at 215-854-4552 or dhiltbrand@ phillynews.com, or follow on Twitter @daveondemand_tv.

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