IF THE MAYANS, Nostradamus and every crackpot evangelist can predict the end of the world, Tattle, with help from Lady Tattle (see sidebar), should be able to predict celebrity shenanigans for the coming year, right?
We, at least, have a chance of being correct.
And, on the plus side, if we're wrong, you won't end up with a cellar full of canned goods and Bushmaster rifles.
So here goes:
* One Direction will rename itself New Direction when Harry Styles officially runs off with Taylor Swift.
The joke will be on Harry, however, as Taylor will already have moved on.
* Lindsay Lohan will get arrested.
C'mon, that's a gimme.
Eventually, she will follow Tattle's advice and land a lead role in a sitcom in which she and an overzealous laugh track will make fun of her troubles.
Preferably the sitcom will also feature a precocious child who teaches Lindsay life lessons.
* In late September, Jessica Simpson will announce she's pregnant with her third child.
Weight Watchers will just throw up its hands in disgust.
* Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez will irrevocably call it quits, and he will begin a downward spiral of Tiger Woods-like debauchery.
* Someone unknown as we write this will pen a dystopian trilogy for teenagers and become rich and famous.
* Honey Boo Boo will survive a tragic pork rind overdose, but her young, cholesterol-conscious fans will turn against her, ending her 15 minutes of fame.
* Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are expecting. When Baby Kimye arrives in 2013, E! commits to a 20-year order of reality episodes, including "Weight, Baby Weight," "Giving Birth with the Kardashians," "Kim Counts Kalories," "Cribs: Kimye Edition," "Baby's First Bling," "Toddlers and Tiaras: Kimye Edition," "Home-Schooling with the Kardashians," "Kim and Kanye Take Two Xanax," "The Nanny: Kimye Edition," "Trippin': Baby Kimye Goes to Boarding School" and "Kimye Goes to Kollege."
* A John Mayer sex tape will be leaked, and it will finally become clear how he attracts so many hot women.
* Katy Perry will see a copy of the Fame bio-comic about her and say, "Wow, the guy who wrote this totally gets me."
* With nowhere left to go fashionwise, Lady Gaga will stop dressing like Marie Antoinette and start dressing like Ellen DeGeneres.
* Victoria Beckham will smile.
But don't blink, or you'll miss it.
* Even though "The Guilt Trip" flopped, Barbra Streisand and Seth Rogen will return in a Hanukkah-themed scavenger hunt, "The Gelt Trip."
* Channing Tatum and Jenna Dewan-Tatum's baby will give all other babies a complex.
* Speaking of babies, Anne Hathaway will announce her pregnancy early in 2013.
Hugh Jackman will raise her child.
* 50 Cent will change his name to 60 Cent, after factoring in the cost of ObamaCare.
Email gensleh@phillynews.com.
