Dear Abby: Readers urge wife to work through marriage issues

Posted: January 11, 2013

DEAR ABBY: This is in response to "Had It in Hartford," who has been unhappily married to her husband for 20 years. She said she married him for all the wrong reasons and "has never loved him the way a woman should love a man."

After I had been married for seven years, I went to my pastor concerned that the grass on the other side was looking greener than mine. As we spoke, I began to realize the extent of the investment I had put into my marriage and that I didn't want to start over again on a new one.

Love isn't just a feeling, but a choice and a commitment. I'm committed to my husband not because I'm "supposed" to be, but because I choose to be. It seems to me that "Had It" never made that choice or worked toward it.

"Had It" should take another look at what she's about to lose and tally up the costs to her family.

- Barbara in Mount Vernon

DEAR BARBARA: Thank you for writing. I advised "Had It" to think long and hard before leaving her husband, but that if she truly cannot love him the way he deserves, she should move on. My readers' comments:

DEAR ABBY: "Had It" doesn't feel love toward her husband because she spends her time and energy ruminating about a "mistake" she thinks she made 20 years ago. She says he is doing everything right and they get along fine. If she tried something positive, like reminding herself about the qualities she likes about him, and doing things she knows make him happy instead of fantasizing about other men, she might find the love she craves in her marriage.

- Dr. Peggy B.

DEAR ABBY: I have this message for "Had It": I felt like you and acted on my feelings. Don't do it! Wait until your kids are older. As much as you want a more intimate relationship, you cannot begin to imagine the impact straying will have on your kids.

- Regretting it in New York

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