But suddenly, now that we are engaged and beginning to plan our wedding, I can't seem to stop dwelling on the fact that he once publicly promised to spend his life with someone else. It has never bothered me until now. I don't doubt his commitment to me, or that this is a well-thought-out decision. I just wish I could get over this odd, unexpected "second place" feeling. I know I need to take a step back and recognize that it's water under the bridge. Any advice on how to do so would be really appreciated!
Answer: Are you able to step into your past a bit, to rummage around for an experience that can help inform your understanding of your fiance? And banish that "second place" notion for good?
Specifically, I'm thinking of a past relationship in which life with that person was the only future you could envision. I don't see a huge difference between "publicly promised" and privately felt, except perhaps in the timing (say, if you were still in high school when you felt that way) or degree of impulse control.
Either way, your life was this person - until it wasn't.
Now your life is with your fiance, and you're both fully in this moment - despite your past loves and his.
Or, because of them. This depends on what he learned from it all, but I could argue that his nuptial oops enables him to be more present for you than he might have been without one. Couples so often struggle with ideas of what marriage "should" be, and there's a decent chance his experience beat out of him such a rigid notion of bliss.
Comment: I was in a very similar situation with my now-husband. The best thing I did was just say out loud, "It's really weird that you've done this before with someone else." The resulting discussion really made me understand the difference in where he was then and where he is now. Your fiance already seems very open, so give him the chance to make you feel better about it.
Answer: Sounds good to me, thanks.
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